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Close To Heaven

I travel along this same road everyday
I have tried many times for another way
But my soul lifts my feet and opens my eyes
And I follow the road as it starts to rise
I am brought to a place, a high lonely hill
My breath is stolen until I have my fill

Wind rouses daisies that caress and subdue
Dancing ‘round my ankles, offering cool dew
Fields blanket the earth, green blue and gold
I stand with that feeling that can’t be retold
The ancient trees sway in their glory so well
On the edge of my hill to block out my hell

I know why I am here, my soul doesn’t lie
So close to heaven, it is easy to die
As you hold your beads, with faith and trust
I stand on my hill and know I’ll become dust
My faith is my soul, my faith is what I see
I won’t go to heaven,
Because it’s in front of me

Author notes

I chose to use option 29 for this competition:
29) find a picture and write a poem inspired by that. remember to link the picture.

Link to the picture that inspired my poem:
http://jadeallgood.deviantart.com/art/Above-the-World-94383416

It was great to see a contest with so many options for everyone!

...Oh no!

Oh my god I got butter in my eye!

A contest entry

I am really trying to work on meter and flow, any suggestions would be very helpful. The more constructive fedback I get the better!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • worshipchick
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    I know you're looking for constructive feedback, but I can't think of any suggestion that would add to the piece! The meter and rhyming flow really well, it's not forced and doesn't strike me as cliche either. The beginning has some great imagery, but it was the last stanza that really brought it together for me. While I might have some different perspectives on that ;-) you really made your point and ended it beautifully! Overall great piece where everything worked together.

    Hope you're doing well! :-) Blessings . . .


  • LadyOfFate
    October 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very interesting. a spiritual piece from a earthy picture. you fit the picture even though your piece flies off to heaven since you reminded us that the earth can be spiritual. thanks for entering


  • narcissist
    October 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wind rouses daisies that caress and subdue
    Dancing ‘round my ankles, offering cool dew
    Fields blanket the earth, green blue and gold
    I stand with that feeling that can’t be retold
    The ancient trees sway in their glory so well
    On the edge of my hill to block out my hell

    You paint such a gorgeous image that is easy to step into. I'm not sure what to say to improve it, except maybe the first two lines of the last stanza could be shortened up a syllable... hah. like with "I'm" instead of "I am" and "it's" instead of "it is". but that might just be because the spoken english language has such a tendency to shorten up word combinations for ease.. it just seems to flow better. but it's yours, and that's obviously very minor a change... amazing write, i really enjoyed it. : ) thanks for sharing.


    • Jade Allgood
      October 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for your constructive feedback. I will definitely take it on board and have a tinker with the syllables in those lines you mentioned. Timing is something I am really trying to work on so I appreciate your suggestions