Wandering aimlessly in the rain,
Nothing will barricade the unceasing pain.
You left me to the world helpless, blind and deaf,
Trying to figure out why you left.
The heavy mist engulfs me
Like a thick shackle to restrain the prisoner hiding within.
Bound and gagged and left in agony,
Nothing could bring me to forgive your latest sin.
Loving her is the painful end of us
Unless there's something you've left out.
But there isn't because you've had the time to adjust
And there is no longer any reason for doubt.
Why her over me?
I've been abandoned so incessantly.
And you of all people would know,
Nothing for me is just for show.
I see you lead her off into an oblivious abyss.
Snagged by the arm she wears the most sickening grin,
With you it's no more than hit or miss
And she's the favorite, apt to win.
We were loved,
We were strong,
I was shoved,
You were wrong.
Cat and mouse is just a game,
But to you it's a lifestyle
Dominating your every gain.
One day they will all see
The reason you abandoned me
Was because you're a worthless absentee.
And soon you'll realize your mistake,
But by then it will be too late.
Because...
I've been neglected and burned,
Blackened and carelessly charred to non-existence.
Needlessly shoved to the back burner,
I no longer will require your assistance.
Author notes
A contest entry
- 5385 Points --- Winner Take All by mrme.
5385 points, ended October 28, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme Time by AboveApathy.
385 points, ended October 20, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For The Liars, The Cheaters, The LOSERS!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended November 13, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your break-up poems by trekkergirl.
400 points, ended January 5, 80 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
*Sigh*
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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wow this one is a deep one. One suggestion though. I did ask for all left aligned poems. However, I did go ahead and read it instead of DQing it. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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I like the title and you did a very good job expressing your pain. It must feel so unreal, one day you think your happy and the next your betrayed by the person closest to you. I think the burnt metaphor is very strong and works well in the poem.
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Wow. This says so much indeed, pain - love, abandoned. Yes, i know it all too well - hence this contest. I enjoyed this, very well expressed and truly powerful in its presence. Thank you for your entry!
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Wow! This is really reallly powerfully written! The imagery and the way its worded is very well done. I love the metaphors and the similes and all the figurative language you used. You got your point across and I like how you told a little about your past as to why this betrayal was even more difficult for you. The last paragraph is a good assertion of not needing t hem any more and rising above it. Beautiful write!
WritingFree -
i like the varying line groupings- ie 4 lines in a group, followed by some 3-liners and a two.. it keeps the reader interested, and in this case it isn't awkward. A part that really stuck out to me was the line 'oblivious abyss'. what a great example of consonance AND assonance in the same phrase. kudos on that!
luck and love,
Wesley. -
wow. you kick ass girl!! tell it like it is. I wish i had the gumption to be as forthright as you. i feel you disappointment and heartache in this write, but also your strength and conviction to pick up and carry on, as you should do. This is a great poem.
A couple minor suggestions:
I'd reword Try to figure out to.. Trying to figure out
Also, there are places where you have commas that aren't needed, and places where you should have commas that are missing.
Minor details on a great write.
Very well done. thanks for entering and good luck. -
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Thanks,
i was kind of in a huff when i wrote it, nice catch.
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