My thoughts have run astray.
I think back to other days.
Back when happiness was true.
Back when I was in love with you.
I remember all of our laughs.
There was always another disaster.
I remember when you held me tight
as the world spun faster and faster.
I remember the days I cried.
You held me, and told me sweet lies.
"Don't worry, I'll always be here."
In truth that was my greatest fear.
I remember your mischievous smile.
I had my own that matched perfectly well.
I remember all of your love letters.
I just wish that you'd learned how to spell...
I remember when disaster struck hard.
It left my heart torn and scarred.
It was then you began to leak out.
I was filled with confusion and doubt.
You tried, but you couldn't save me.
I turned you away, and you never complained.
As soon as you were gone I breathed easier.
I never realized my heart was still strained.
I remember the kisses we shared.
I pretended that I didn't care.
I shunned you away from my thoughts
ignoring all the pain it brought.
I miss you. I know that now.
Your smile, your laugh, and your love.
You have a piece of my heart.
It's your voice I'm dreaming of.
I dream of the times we had.
Always the good and the bad.
I know that you'll always be with me
laughing and loving, kind and sweet.
I remember back when we were happy.
The days that are now long gone.
I pull your image close, and I smile.
The trouble is over, and life goes on.
Author notes
This poem is completely true. Every word is true. Which is why it was so freaking hard to write!!! it's easy if someone gives you a word by word prompt and says 'write about this', but when you have to write down your own thoughts and feelings, it's so freaking hard!!! Gaaahhhh! This poem frustrated me, but I got it done, and i hope that the result is satisfactory. Critical comments, please.
A contest entry
- 5385 Points --- Winner Take All by mrme.
5385 points, ended October 28, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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well,i would say that you have done much better than satisfactory. this is very good, very, very good. I hope that writing from the heart and soul has done both your heart and soul some good.
I really don't have much to offer in the way of critical comments.
I would be careful of some unnecessary words that tend to break the flow a bit (I do it myself, it's hard to catch on your own writes as I often miss them in my own writes).
For example: you tend to use the word that a good bit where it's not really needed.
example lines:
I remember the days that I cried
It was then that you began to leak out
It's your voice that I'm dreaming of
re-read your poem taking the word "that" out of the above (and some other lines). I think you'll see it reads better and more smoothly. there are places it is needed, but many lines would benefit without it.
excellent write. thanks for entering and good luck. -
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Thank you very much! I edited it in the way that you said. I originally put the 'that's in to keep the rhythm going, but now I see that it hindered more than helped. I'm glad that you found my poem satisfactory.
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