eye
watch the history of woe
men
unravel
a long thread bare ing my name
(quicksilvermetallic)
as a need le
decades mount the throat
shaking the dust of Kansas flats
shoveling the dirt of Irish field
quaking from the chords the echo of each blood cell
when
i speak
it is with all that came before
eye
angst
mean s the same fa[i]t[h]e suffered
two tie the anchor
the three fingered velvet glove
to the center where my heart with it's razors
re mains
i have made a
cathedral of this place
you call a common chest
here here here
ere
i am the matriarch of my kin
i will settle for no less than a future
a
n
d
i will demand it with my mother's tongue
(the words ancient as bone)
a family plot as A fo{u}re - thought
A contest entry
- Don't Mind Me [[I'm Only Dying]] --- Dirty Pretty Contest by EvenStarsBreak--x.
600 points, ended October 26, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LOTS OF OPTIONS! by Shenanigans.
700 points, ended November 23, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - New! Truly Original Poetry Wanted :) by Oleander.
540 points, ended December 6, 2008, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I can't believe I'm doing this again Part Deux by NoUseForAName.
700 points, ended December 31, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I have no doubt this was a fun creation for you and it is fun to look at. For me, reading it was a chore though. (Which is on me, not you). So- I took the first section and broke it into two stanzas and while there are some good images presented, and some really could lines, it still doesn't make sense for me.
I like the idea presented and I like a lot of the imagery, but the smattering of words doesn't work for me.
Also- check the spelling for feild. (field)
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thanks for the critique
and spelling correction. dirty pretty isn't the easiest read. it allows for jarring imagery to match up with jarring subject matter a bit more effectively. however, this attempt is just that...an attempt. the syncopation is off, the lines too abstract, and the tone strikes as dismissive. not a well binded piece- form follows function? now, who knew that?
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Amazing!
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WOW. This is really unusual. I love the structure... particularly the letters in brackets to give words 2 meanings... This poem was a little ambiguous, and you didn't put which # you wrote for in the authors notes, but from what I got out of it it is about farming and a history of toil (particularly for your heritage)...I caught the Ireland/Kansas/family plot bit... Mostly though I just love your phrasing...a cathedral of this place you call the common chest....with my mothers tongue, words as ancient as bone... so lyrical and old sounding, but with such a crazy ridiculous structure that it all seems cutting edge and makes you think. Great work, excellent luck in the contest. --Shannon
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reflection piece
farming as part of my heritage. not so ambiguous from my perspective... but that's because it's mine. over the last two years/ little less than/ i have become the matriarch of my bloodline. i am of a separate breed from those who breathed and walked before me. i am here to shatter the traditions of those women... the tragic silence, the shrugged and defeated shoulders... i refuse to allow the shadow from the crows wing to spread out over the frame and face of the children i have yet to bear... i am reflecting and declaring that i mark the end to this woebegone sadness which has leeched its self to the marrow of my ancestors.
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Very interesting piece. =] Well done, it's quite unique. Thank you for the entry and good luck.
x-Pretty-Odd-x <333
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