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Broken Slabs of Darkest Grey

Moonlight shining across the dark loamy plain
Pitch darkness rising, congregating with pouring rain
Thunder devastating the once calm and peaceful sky
Lost souls whispering as the angels of the night cry

Harsh, unforgiving, broken slabs of darkest grey
Hiding cold dead bodies, which, beneath the tombstones, decay
Deceased possibly centuries ago, never to be reborn
Laying there still and cold, for their descendents to mourn

Hollowed ancient trees droop over and bend pathetically
While broken corpses lay underground, never again to see
The vivid, radiant light of day, and to that angels cry
''Why did thee meet such a tragic demise?!''

Author notes

This took about ten minutes on a school computer. XD Inspired by a gloomy pic of a cemetery I found on the net.

A contest entry

I may revise this, so I'd like some good advice. But please, no flaming, and I like praise where it's accurate! :D So, do I need to revise this?

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • chilali
    December 10, 2008

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    Wow. Amazing imagery in this piece. 10 minutes? Only!? You keep writing Rachael. Never stop and you'll be on top of the world very soon. Trust me. You have amazing talent dear child!

    Much love
    Ylova


  • trekkergirl
    October 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You do paint a very gloomy picture here. But you do it so well with your imagery. You said it only took you 10 minutes on a computer at school. Well sometimes a great work of art can only take a few minutes. You did very well. Thanks for entering my contest.


  • quantumsurveyor
    October 21, 2008

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    This has a power and content to make the reader cut and come again and think. Strong theme of course and that is why I would suggest changes -

    For me the first verse has not got the strength of the subsequent ones. In particular the "loamy plain" bit seems misplaced and weak. The last two lines of the first verse are good and match the feeling and strength of the rest.

    I can't see that the final angels' cry is properly relevant. Did the whole of a graveyard arrive at a tragic demise - we all have to die so there is nothing particularly tragic about that unless it is painful or too soon as with a baby or a child.

    Just thoughts from an old man who admires what you have done at twelve. Thank you.

    • go away.
      October 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment.

      Yes, I can see how the first verse has less an impact upon the reader compared to the first ones. Yeah, I suppose the laomy plain bit needs revising. As does most of it. Also, about the angel cry - I think of this as a graveyard for deaths of courageous men in war. This is set just after the 2nd World War, so I thought, Well, no-one should have to die at the hands of war and a gun or the like. That's where I got 'tragic demise' from.

      Also, lol. I wrote this 1 to get over my writer's block and 2 because my birthday's on 25th October (my 12th). Can't wait! Though, rather a morbid choice for my birthday ... xx

      Thanks for your praise & constructive criticism!


  • The Fun House silver member
    October 12, 2008

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    This is very well written. Those foreboding slabs of grey certainly hide many secrets and many lives lost and long forgotten beneath. You have described the scene well and I could picture it as I was reading. Well done.

1 - 6 of 6