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Here In Babylon

Waiting for the week to end
The nights are empty like my bed
Turning on the TV
Simply static in my head
Looking over the past I find
It's clear I must have lost my mind
Maybe I was heartless and cruel
To hurt you the way I did
Filled with such regrets and ridicule

Now I've cut you free, I'm running wild
Those empty streets where I find instead
Crowded with such silence there
It's doing in my head
My only wish is I want you here
Maybe then my conscience will clear
But then I've been so afraid
To show you what I mean
And admit the many errors that I made

Now the weekend's over I'm on my way
Gray skies cover me again
And I'm left with last season's regrets
To gather with all the pain
So I turn around to head back home
With this emptiness within
I can't believe I let you go
I see now it was such a sin
Now I'm hoping for a chance to share
Open the door and maybe still see you there...


A contest entry

In the

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

  • mrme gold member
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You do appear to have done some editing. It seems to read more easily and have a better flow and rhythm.

    I can relate to this poem. Lost love that you regret. You express it very well in this write. I can really feel the heartache coming through. Excellent write.

    Thanks for entering and good luck.

  • dillpickle62
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Title caught my eye

    You must have edited because I wouldn't touch this. Nice job! Yes the commas work better when reading. Best wishes in this contest.

  • mrme gold member
    October 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    since you plan to edit and revise, i will only offer constructive criticism at this time since that is what you want at this time.

    1. I would remove the word Man from line 6. I think it reads better without it.
    2. I would suggest the use of commas to enable the reader to read your poem in the proper rhythm. for example, the line:
    Now I've cut you free I'm running wild
    as is reads as a run on sentence.

    insert a comma between free and I'm forces the reader to stop momentarily. they can comprehend what they've just read before beginning the next thought in your poem. This can be done in several lines of your poem.

    Now I've cut you free, I'm running wild

    lastly, maybe it's just the way i'm reading it, but the last 2 lines seem disjointed. it seems like you're going to come to some conclusion in the 2nd to last line, but then stray to another thought in the last line. maYybe it's just me.

    anyhow, those are my thoughts. it's your poem and feel free to ignore my comments.

    thanks for entering and good luck. I'll stop baCK and reread after you've updated.