The corridor lights
flicker
in greasy
ambience the train
shudders
through pitch
black flat
landscapes hostile
guards snap tickets
bored soldiers thrust
machine pistols
into faces and ribs
as if by accident.
In the intimacy
of the lavatory
the porcelain presses
hard and cold
into his stomach
he tries to feel the shape
of the words scratched
into the flesh of his back
and set on fire with piss
his face slaps the notice
In sing-song rhythms
Do not
flush the toilet
when the train is standing
in the station.
Someone
kicks the door
shouts in foreign.
He decides
that guy in the novel
they read by flashlight
earlier
when snow capped peaks
of ghostly frontiers
passed
back into the night
had obviously not attempted
this erotic act
personally
at all.
A contest entry
- ugly love by Cat.
2750 points, ended October 24, 2008, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
I had taken you off my favorites not sure why. I'm dorky with that favorites list sometimes.
Mmmm. I need a bit more time with this. I read it once while flipping through the poems in the contest early on and for some reason never made it back
I'll be back but in the mean time congrats on the bronze - I do think it raises those ugly/love image -- especially where the N points to reading the novel together by flashlight -- that line collapses things really well into a place very close and intimate.
I'll be back.
xo
-
''The corridor lights
flicker
in greasy
ambience the train
shudders
through pitch
black flat
landscapes hostile
guards snap tickets
bored soldiers thrust
machine pistols
into faces and ribs
as if by accident.''
I think this could be played with a little in the word placements to not trip me up or pause me in irregular places.. unless that is what you were going for and in that case- it worked. The images you chose were so origional and the set up to this story done well. The use of greasy, flat, hostile, thrust, and the feel of it accidental and not so-- and yet i felt like this was almost holocosticish (lol made up word).
''In the intimacy
of the lavatory
the porcelain presses
hard and cold
into his stomach
he tries to feel the shape
of the words scratched
into the flesh of his back
and set on fire with piss
his face slaps the notice
In sing-song rhythms
Do not
flush the toilet
when the train is standing
in the station.
Someone
kicks the door
shouts in foreign.''
your choice of words i did so enjoy in this part. porcelain presses, set on fire with piss, sing song rhythms... i am instantly taken out of my earlier thought of holocost to a snap moment in time like a movie moment... so its the mile high club on a plane.. what is it on the train?-- though this didnt feel enjoyable at all which makes me wonder how consensual it all was... or why did it feel like homosexual love has to be so ugly... though that is just a passing thought of where i went.
''He decides
that guy in the novel
they read by flashlight
earlier
when snow capped peaks
of ghostly frontiers
passed
back into the night
had obviously not attempted
this erotic act
personally
at all.''
I liked how you added images of nature- setting a scene is something you do very well. I laughed at the end -- and wondered if i should. Anyway... these were just my thoughts
Thank you for this entry in our contest. I found this very unique. I appreciate you taking the time and hope i have not offended you in anyway.
-
He decides
that guy in the novel
they read by flashlight
had not attempted this erotic act at all
when snow-capped peaks
of ghostly frontiers
passed
back into the night
to me, this is clearer.
also, "back into the night" seems a better last line than "at all"
I may be misinterpreting the tone, but to me it seems detached, even comical in places, a cooled-off telling of hot events, some best forgotten, like red skin on cold porcelain.
This throws me back to Securitate, and you know, i think, how I love that.
-
i really like this piece.
it has appealed to me from the first read- first because it is unique
and second because it is told well- mostly.
i think there are a couple spots where the story-trips the tongue a bit too much- the first part of the last stanza for instance-
i think the difficulty in reading might also be completely fixed with different line breaks or
punctuation
that said.. this piece appeals to me immensely
and i am glad to find it here
m
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