My smile means nothing,
what can it do?
Heart aches live on,
but the rest should not suffer.
Holding other hands,
that would not hold mine.
Celebrating people
that are forgotten through the day.
This pit in my stomach
lies forgotten.
Author notes
Chocoholic156
Please comment.
A contest entry
- Best Poems Ever by Scion.
900 points, ended October 27, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? How can I improve? What was your least favorite part? Your favorite?
Comments
-
This is good. You tell rather than show, but you make up for it with your explorative content. It is a very different take on the prompt, not something I've seen yet, so kudos.
uhm, I did't really understand what your main purpose was from this, which implies you need to work a bit on clarity with this. Maybe you don't know what you are to do? But why not? What can be done? Any hope?
You do convey on thing, I see that you forget and a lot is forgotten-people, feelings, etc, etc.-but does that mean you have no purpose?? I hope you can finish it. I am hanging by a thread of curiosity... (and it's wearing thin). Cheers and thanks for taking the time.
My score:
R-8.8
T-8
TH-8.3
S-8.5
U-8.5
G-8.7
Ttl-50.8
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