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Aching to Reach Us


Flee from the light
and dive into darkness.
Open your eyes
bear witness to charcoal.
Close your eyes
to be enveloped 
by the shining beacon of the soul...

We'll dance to melancholy
and slumber to disco music
to appease the devil
and keep God at bay.

Reach for the emptiness
avoiding the stars,
Open your hand:
see we hold everything...
Close your mouth,
breath in the smoke
emitted by our evanescent souls...

We'll hum to tuneless music
and sway to the sounds of a heartbeat
to submit to the evil
and fend off the goodness...

 

Aching to reach us....

 

 

 

Author notes

Option 2: Opposites

The traditional imagery for good and evil is light and dark, white and black. Brainstorm a list of images called up by the two opposites. Then write a poem that reverses traditional expectations. In other words, write a poem about what is beautiful or inspiring about the dark, or a poem about what is awful or terrifying about the daylight.


Hey, for real, I neeed critique coz I dont think its all that good.
Honest critisisms and comments thankyou


_______________________________________________________________

Thankyou to everyone who critiqued!
I actually didn't edit the poem until after I won gold, go figure.
Thought I ought to bring it up to golden standard a little more.

Thanks again to Jfd and yeah to thems who helped me make it better.

WOOOOO!!!!!

A contest entry

How Do You Like My Soul? --- Critique

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Jfd
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Really amazing imagery in this.....you manipulate words in a unique way and loved your vocabulary choices....From the title to the last line, I was captivated. Very nice job. the only stanza that I had trouble with was
    "Open your hand
    and see we hold everything
    Close your mouth
    and breath in the smoke
    emitted by our evanescent souls..."

    and see we hold everything.....close your mouth, it was a bit confusing, maybe adding "that" into the line might help, it sounds better in my head anyway haha..."and see THAT we hold everything....it's a small nothing, but you asked for feedback and that's all I could think of.

    thank you for entering!


    • VoltaicHypnosis gold member
      October 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      HOORAY!!!

      Ah, thanks, Jfd, I am so honoured to have won ^.^
      Ahh I really thought it was kinda crap, but clearly
      I have suprised myself lol....

      Serious, thankyou, thankyou ever so!

      ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
      Elizabeth
      ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
      THANX
      ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, some beautifully painted imagery here hun! I love the gentle tone this carrys as you read My only critique, since your asking Would be the filler words A lot of the sentences begin with 'and', for the most part they can really just be dropped, IMO For example the second verse, lines 2,3 and 4 you could drop the two 'ands' and the 'to' that start the lines and it reads just a beautifully I really wouldn't change anything else about it, IMO it is superbly penned A very neat read, good luck


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the first words....
    Flee from the light
    and "DIVE" into the darkness...
    (muscle it up just a touch.)

    Open "wide" your eyes...
    bear witness to the charcoal.

    I think your poem has a lot of wonderful imagery
    and emotion in it! give it just a touch
    more pull....fantastic writer you are!
    ears/Seattle


  • FreeTara
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well i know you will come back but i have to say this first paragragh got me hooked on the first take!!
    can't wait to read the whole thing!!

1 - 5 of 5