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A Dream

Yesterday i had a dream
a dream that i was alone
alone in a house full of people

i see them looking
looking like they are going to burst into tears
i want to reach out to them, but i can't

i walk over to where they are standing
and i see myself
i see my parents crying, my whole family crying

and then it hit me
i was dead
i WAS looking at myself

then i remembered
remembered that i took pills
only four days ago

that night four days ago
i didn't wake up when my mom shook me
she panicked and called 911

but it was too late
i was dead
then i suddenly was being shaken by my mother telling me to get up.

Author notes

option 1-nightmare.

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 23 of 23
  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    woah. this was really good! i LOVED IT! WOW! awesome poem! keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!


  • Vintage Chiffon
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    WONDERFUL WRITE! I had a dream just like this actually except my death was in a different cause. I think you wrote this beautifully and thank you very much for entering my contest. I wish the best of luck to you
    <3Damien


  • Shannon62875
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    this did not rhyme... i said as my number one rule.. MUST RHYME.. im sorry but i will have to remove this entry from my contest!

    Shannon*Leah

  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    April 19
    Edit | Reply
    woah....this one is really good nightmare. i thought it was pretty intense and really good. i loved the emotion in this. amazing write. keep it up! thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Nam
    April 14
    Edit | Reply
    I always found it humorous that the dead can write. J/K

    Anyway, a nice poem here.

    -Nam


  • Umi Juvariel
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write, but I think there needs to be a little more depth here. I feel that you could've gone deeper into your feelings. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.


  • tears.of.silence
    April 6
    Edit | Reply
    hmm this would have been an excellent poem if there had been more depth to it. you have a good starting structure but there has to be more to it than that. You've got 15 points for this poem. SO you have a total of 55 points. thanks for entering and the best of luck to you. kahy


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    March 30
    Edit | Reply
    I like it, just not a winner. Thanks for entering!


  • Flowergirl
    March 28
    Edit | Reply
    very nice work i love it nice and very different great work keep it up...

  • ashjoe76
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    Very good imagination here.


  • Captain Jenny
    March 23
    Edit | Reply
    An interesing write with a very cool twist. Thanks for entering

    ~Lae


  • stargazer.
    March 3
    Edit | Reply
    Originality: (8/10)
    Emotion: (6/10)
    Poetic devices: (10/20)
    Structure/flow: (6/10)
    Cohension: (6/10)
    Title relating to poem: (9/10)
    Personal opinion: (6/10)
    Syntax: (7/10)
    Diction: (7/10)

    Total:65/100


  • YouWillBeLoved
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing for real. This is the kind of write that shold be published in this book of poetry I bought the other day. It's appropriate to say that this would offer a realization to some people. Awesome write.


  • your angers a gift
    February 23
    Edit | Reply
    interesting write. With a twist! Thanks for entering. Good luck!


  • lindaburns gold member
    February 16
    Edit | Reply
    I commented on this poem 2-2-09. You still haven’t taken the time the time to spell “panicked” correctly. “yew cudda ben a continda.”


  • Kp.s
    February 12

    Edit | Reply
    The way you brought the reader in and out of reality, into your life and back into a dream, was excellent. Your ending was a surprise, a thought provoking one to say the least.

    One suggestion however- since you have such a strong hold and control on your transition from reality to dream- give the reader more than words. Give them visual pictures, whether they have a metaphorical, dream like quality, or the harsh smack of reality. Do not only tell us, show us with your words. Judging from what I read, you are certainly more than capable of doing this.

    Thanks for entering and all the best,
    KP


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    but it was too late
    i was dead
    then i suddenly was being shaken by my mother telling me to get up.


    wow! that last line really stunns me.

    best of luck in the contest :]

  • Jailyn
    February 5

    Edit | Reply
    wow very vivid and very creepy... is this a dream you had? cos i wouldve woken up screaming if that was me...

    you certainly have an ability to take your readers through a situation, and tell them a story in a way. At first i thought maybe this was about someone being alone, like emotionally, even when they are around people and those who love them (like their parents) then when I realised what it was actually about it really broke me out into goosebumps.

    I think it takes a lot of talent to be able to draw your readers that far into your piece that you can make them respond to it and be creeped out by it, and this piece in particular is very deep and vivid poem, that takes readers on a journey...and if your me, creeps the hell out of them lol.

    good write, thanks for entering my contest and for sharing your work!

  • lindaburns gold member
    February 2

    Edit | Reply

    JUDGE:

    Sounds like a wake up call to me. (note) panicked. Spelling. I wanted proper punctuation and your poem has only one period. Still I do understand that some poems have a theme that makes the headlong rush to the end of the poem, never knowing where to pause, an OK thing. This poem is like that. You know, back when I was suicidal, I never gave any thought to how my family would react to my death. Except some of them might “be sorry”. I am really embarrassed to have been so self-centered.
    You need to spell panicked correctly. It’s not a bad poem. Good luck in the contest.


  • Ms.Daydream
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    Woah, OK, that was totally unexpected. I actually thought that it was a dream, but then when you said you remembered that you had died 4 days ago, I thought it wasn't a dream any more...then your mum woke you up. Genius!
    Good use of free verse...and that's all I can really say. It was cleverly written in a really dark way. Was this a real dream? If it was, it must have been really spooky. But it really means that something really good is going to happen that's the opposite of that, like a marriage, friendship or a baby. Or it could just be your worries about your life, like maybe you're worried about doing something bad, like taking pills, or something. But enough about dream interpretation. =)
    Good luck in the contest! =D


  • Symphony
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, you took us on some journey through this poem; I totally didn't see the end coming, because I was imagining so many different scenarios of what this was about in my mind! For example, Verse 1, I thought, was about being alone in a crowded room ; surrounded by people, but feeling alone. Then Verse 2, I thought, was about bad memories comign to the fore and being unable to chase them away. And so on and so forth!

    Great job, on putting in that twist towards the end, it really was very sneakily done; so congrats! And thanks for entering, and supporting my contest


  • Ryan79
    November 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Scarry

    Was this a dream that you had? It seems really vivid. Very intense.

  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    October 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow.....again devil, this is sincere, but it worries me a little. I thought it was a very good poem. way to go!

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