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The saga of the staff pg.2

The general screams "fall back, INTO THE PORTAL!!!"
the defending forces run like a stampede of elephants,
right into the portal.

Right as the last man enters the portal, it immediately slams shut,
the evil horseman and his undead armies are now at-least 300 miles away.  You and your father reunite with your family, and now head off to try and find somewhere else to live.

Mom remembers to give you back your staff, but it feels different now. You actually are now able to use it. The warlord also knows you have a staff, and wants to hold it. When you give it to him, it FLIES strait into your hand.  Now you know the staff chose you, you did not chose the staff. 

 

As you are all fleeing, you come upon a large town, and the tribe leaders explain to the town mayor what happened.  The mayor says "oh dear, if you wish, you can stay here as refugees for a few nights."

 

YOU ARE THE TRIBE LEADERS:  DO YOU STAY TO EAT AND REST, OR KEEP GOING ON, TO FIND A PLACE OF YOUR OWN

 

1 IF STAY,

2 IF GO!

 

 

 

Author notes

1 if stay

2 if go


i know its not in poem form, its hard to do that lol

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Snowing Kisses gold member
    October 18, 2008

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    prolific

    this is different and thought provoking whilst it is obviously a fantasy write it is a fantastic representation of the many dissplaced people on our planet. very vivid creative imagry too thanks for sharing littlefishone


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008
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    this is interesting?
    I'm not quite sure I realy understood it,
    it was very confusing, lol.
    maybe rework it a bit?


  • I.am.the.sun.
    October 15, 2008
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    im gonna rip into this. since you made such a point of asking for critical advice.....

    generals dont scream, they order or command...
    elephants dont really run when they stampede, they more waddle- bad metaphore.
    "right into the portal" should be "through the portal" since there is no space inside one such thing, its just a doorway.
    a portal wouldnt slam shut, just close or dissapate. slamming implies physical connection, again, like a door slamming shut. a portal wont do that.
    the "evil" horseman.... is that the best description you can give him? he doesnt sound very intimmidating... or even scary. give him something better like... i donno, 'the damned horseman' <- not very good, but not my write and so im not motivated.
    i havnt read the first saga of the staff page, but it sounds like something quite epic and life changing just happened to the 'reader', if that was you... would you just get up and look for somewhere to live all of a sudden? no mourning? no sence of being lost and alone, abandoned, betrayed, forsaken?
    if you're writing "your family" and "you and your father" you should probobly write "your mom" rather than just mom. after reading your poem to alyssa, and how you made your self look. im picturing emperor narzul's mom handing me a stick... not very fatasy like... just make sure you use the same tense through the story, and same point of view- ex. first person, second, third, etc.
    how does it feel different? being able to use it doesnt really explain much. use it how? spells? magic? twirling tricks? im pretty sure when i go on walks im using a staff as a walking stick- did he-I the reader- not know how to use a walking stick before? (i know its not a walking stick... at least i hope its not... just be more descriptive and explanitory)
    if i was a warlord, and i knew someone had "A staff" i dont think id be too impressed. now if i knew someone had an ancient staff of uncomparable power and unbreached potential, then i might want to have a looksy myself...
    a staff wouldnt FLY- not in this case, no matter how magic. maybe it jerked out of the warlords hand and was tossed through the air, propelled by some omnipresent force- something like that maybe.
    again, i donno what the first part was like, but im getting the impression that most people dont use staffs nowadays, wont in the future, and if its in the classic fantasy setting, then its somewhat in near the med-evil era, where town most deffinatly did not have mayors... they had nobles insted. here-
    King>noble>peseant/serfs. theres different places inbetween, but point is, a peasent or serf wouldnt be the equivalent to a mayor.
    the 'mayor' wouldnt just say 'oh dear...' to a whole village fleeing from an undead invasion. thats just a no no in even fantasy land.

    lastly. this is what i would do. i would say 'our entire village will be hungry and is tired, a few nights will not be enough. we can work in the feilds and help any and all farmers with their work, we'll construct your buildings and defend your village if need be. only for as long as need be, but i cant say how long that will be. but i assure you, our stay will be of no inconvience to you or your village." and if he says no to that, then id just straight up say "thanks for nothing, i guess these women and children will have to sleep out in the cold and rain for a few weeks while remember how their houses burned. sure hope you dont get besieged by some crazy undead horde! later."

    sorry. i read a lot of books like this, and by god i couldnt let this go. honestly, ive written better things from an impromptu look at 3 green smears on a faded red back ground.

    ...so how does that make you feel?

    • The Dark Lord
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      http://allpoetry.com/poem/4760931


    • The Dark Lord
      October 16, 2008
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      okay...soo mabey its NOT as accurate as real life...i know many generals who will yell commands...its medival times...just remember that


      • I.am.the.sun.
        October 16, 2008
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        maybe yell, but not scream. made me think of a little girl scream from this big impressive general. sheesh, read a book, its not that long, and you asked for it. and if it WASNT in medevil times, then it just wouldnt make sence at all. but it doesnt need to be accurate, its got magic- so right there the whole thing about being accurate doesnt matter. but things should still be written believably.

        • The Dark Lord
          October 17, 2008
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          can u atleast pick someting for me to type and get this story going?


    • The Dark Lord
      October 16, 2008
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      JESUS: its soo much i cannt read it all...

      i feel overloaded...and due to that i REFUSE to read it...just the ending and beginning....


      • I.am.the.sun.
        October 17, 2008

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        1. if they keep moving the story wont very well progress as fast as it will if they stay and you meet new characters now will it?


  • The Dark Lord
    October 7, 2008
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    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4605877 PG.1

    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4573053 INRO

    http://allpoetry.com/poem/4567749 BEGINNINGS

    I KNOW, BUT THIS IS MY 4TH ONE, IF ONLY I CAN BE A MEMBER LOL

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