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Bitter saudade






in the days when the mornings aren't simple
when coffee tastes bitter despite the
four spoons and cream
(it looks heavy like the long lasting night
      one that does not ask for coffee and refuses a soft pillow)

in those days with the sunlight blocked by blinders
i try to figure out
why the pain eases
but never leaves for good
as everything else does

and seek for the answer in the dark liquid
on the empty wall which shelters my shadow
but find it when i finally let a salty drop
add a taste of my past to my coffee

realizing the pain does not consume me
and it comes from a place i don't want to remember
but which isn't yet forgotten






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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • Everwind Rising
    January 3

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    This is deeply introspective. I really was caught up in the scene and experienced the thoughts as I was looking into the cup of coffee. This has a stark feel to it--the image of the shadow is stark and telling. I enjoyed this very much.


  • Kunjal
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Mari, its beautiful! I love each line, and all the things that lay in between...


  • Utok Bulinaw
    October 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hugs...

  • Glitch
    October 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very poignant, I loved the lines,

    "why the pain eases
    but never leaves for good
    as everything else does"

    very powerful stuff on emotional philosophy and I liked your take on it at the end, a nice perspective,

    "it comes from a place i don't want to remember
    but which isn't yet forgotten"

    There is a dark/light dichotomy at the heart of the human experience and this is not to be fought but understood. We each need to find peace with our own shade of grey.

    Thanks for the read mari, as always.


    • Kunjal
      November 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I wish I could applaud your thought.. Let me try *applause*

    • MariGoes gold member
      October 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Ah thank you Glitch for the wonderful comment and comprehension of the poem
  • Just4u
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    bitter and sweet
    they intertwine
    as past meets now
    within the mind

    spirits sprung
    from one thought graves
    to give again
    their solemn wave

    a tear is felt
    cascading down
    as lost again
    once more is found

    but change I can't
    for past is fixed
    So emotions stir
    within its mix

    Hugs...Eddy


  • Aesthete2000 gold member
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The words seem to slip under the coffee,
    sink to the bottom under the "four spoons and cream,"
    then, surface boldly, seeing the light of a new day.

    Sending hugs and stevia to sweeten the mood,
    (It's still flourishing in the patio garden!)

    M-C


  • sense surreal
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I feel this too Mari...this is very deep

    in the days when the mornings aren't simple
    when coffee tastes bitter despite the
    four spoons and cream
    (it looks heavy like the long lasting night
    one that does not ask for coffee and refuses a soft pillow)

    I love this part.

    yes,
    sometimes it takes us awhile to wake up, stretch and yawn at life...

    Anna Lee




  • hugh wyles silver member
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Mi querida hija,

    I'm sad to see you suffer pain.
    Has someone whom we shall not name
    been wearing recently again
    cheerleaders' gear that is to blame?

    Or did you accidently drop
    instead of sugar in your cup
    four heaped-up spoons of table salt?
    A bitter taste would sure result.

    Our memory can play false tricks
    avoiding what we want to fix
    but constantly recalling yet
    stuff we are trying to forget.

    Eluding longings is much harder
    when unfulfilled as in saudade.

    A beautiful piece of nostalgia, my daughter, even with the metaphoric allusion to your coffee!
    May sweet tastes soon return to your lips.
    Dios te bendiga mi cariño.
    Mucho amor, abrazos y besos XOXOXO el padre.

  • mythicdreamer
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Mari, this is one of those "close to the bone" feelings, and I think I have spent most of my life there. Then, somehow, battle-weary, I found I no longer had the strength to try to "overcome" the painful memories. Instead they seemed to consume me, leaving only a charred skeleton. And somehow this skeleton began to re-grow meat and nerve. And now the pain is different, a memory of a different me. It no longer burdens or consumes, but guides, having shown me the reasons why. Somehow the path is clearer, the memories packed and stored aren't blocking my view.
    But still this: "realizing the pain does not consume me
    and it comes from a place i don't want to remember
    but which isn't yet forgotten"


  • Yemassee silver member
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What the candy bar guy said...

    Glad to read those last lines. It makes me feel a little better,

    And as far as not wanting to remember...for me that is anything that happened before noon of the current day.


  • nom de guerre
    October 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oops, wrong suit.

  • nom de guerre
    October 7, 2008

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    Our friend Rebeka would be proud of you. I hope she is well. She had a collection of poems which dealt with spoons (and I suppose other utensels) I used to joke with her about them but the poems were good, reflective, honest looks at her world, her emotions, much like your poem...there's a little of that saudade in this memory of mine.

    If you'll allow me this: I sometimes sense (if that is possible) that feeling emanate from you...but being prone to the assumption that folk are sad in general I sometimes am not sure what is genuinely yours and what is simply of my creation.

    I sometimes feel sad for you but I don't want to discuss it because you'll just think I'm being insincere and I don't want what I think demeaned.

    Most things you write, whether you admit it or not, has a grain of truth to them...more than an ounce of real you. Like every writer worth his salt you sometimes use that as a base to then create a fiction...but it's still a measure of that truth...some times it's beautiful and sometimes it's grotesque...what I mean is...it's exaggerated sadness, but it's always based on a basic truth.

    And no, there is no truth in any of my wild half-human hotdog stories.




  • SeptemberFaith
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You are the one I learned what Saudade really means from...

    This is beautifully heartbreaking... "it comes from a place I dont want to remember, but which isnt yet forgotten"

    It's amazing how something can linger even when we put it to the back of our minds.

    Your words bring a beautiful ache to my heart...

    so nicely done,

    Criss

  • leander Moderators member
    October 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    vividly sad sweet mommer

  • tara wilson gold member
    October 7, 2008

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    I love the last 3 lines, and relate...this has vivid imagery, you worded this feeling, this moment perfectly & creatively


  • Nicolette gold member
    October 7, 2008

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    Such a moving piece this is, Mari..it's a place we've all been to at some point in our lives. They say that when you can think of something or someone without that "salty drop", then you are healed...I agree with PK - he said it so very well. Loved the gentle voice here...

    ~ Nicolette


  • jazzcat gold member
    October 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done. I enjoyed the tone and rhythm of this piece as well as the imagery you created.


  • Peteskid gold member
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the power to heal is within us and the will to remember too, and somewhere there is a valley in between where we can lay softly down, finding peace; finding the pillows...powerful and deep feeling here of saudade... h

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