Words can’t describe this worthy soul
Moment of truth wrapped up in poles
A virtue of beauty, wit & divine
Glittering eyes coupled with a smile of sunshine
Have known her for ages
But she knows me since life
She has always been a perfect companion
With never a conflicting stride
Led a disguised life when I lost her in between
Add to this paradoxical fate…never knew that she was still my heart’s Queen
There was always something inside waiting to erupt.
But afraid to lose a friend, I never let my thoughts disrupt.
I now see her at the channels
As she heads for aisle
Tears roll down my eyes
As I head an upstream journey on this nostalgic Nile
I hope for a miracle, pray for opportune
Destiny laughs at me, as I dance to its tune
“Your time is lost,” a sound echoes!
“Those immortal moments are now your woes”
Darkness covers the aisle, as she inches near
The mist at the arch will make true my fears.
A shadow awaits her...as I start to move out
Again a sound echoes, "You're just a clout."
Moving out I turned to have her last look
I see a vision, which completely left me, shook
She was smiling as she hugged her mate
It was no one but me…. destiny’s inmate!!!
Tell me hows it?
Comments
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Hi there
Sorry it took me so long to read this.
I think it is an excellent poem. My immediate emotions after reading it were ones of wonder at your expression. I particularly loved these passages:
A virtue of beauty, wit & divine
Glittering eyes coupled with a smile of sunshine
I loved that, it sounded wonderful and the rhyme was nice and flowing.
Also
I hope for a miracle, pray for opportune
Destiny laughs at me, as I dance to its tune
“Your time is lost,” a sound echoes!
“Those immortal moments are now your woes”
This entire stanza was wonderful. Excellent flow here. I love the image of you dancing to destiny's tune! And the rhyme of echoes and woes. Truly, wonderful
Well done, this is amazing. Keep writing and I will keep reading
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This is very awsome. It makes since, it rhymes, and as so much meaning to it.
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I just read below about your dream.. reminded of the film The Holiday where the old veteran writer tells Kate.. You seem to be playing the Lead heroine's best friend even in your own life movie! Its time to play the lead.. or something to this effect..
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Hey moksh you seem quite happy.. I felt you described the unexpected yet hoped for feeling turning out sweet in the end quite well The only suggestion I can give here is it can do without a few words in the lines making it more poetic and less as sentences.. but that depends on what effect are you going for.. Frankly its great the way it is, dont think you should change anything.. as far as you feel satisfied this expresses what you want to your heart's content.
Best wishes~
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Lovely write...touching emotions! The flow is very good...reads nicely. Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed reading!
Az -
lovely piece
I love the emotions in this one, to be involved in this type of dream, is heaven!
good luck it looks like a big winner
Linda -
I absolutely loved this! As long as hope is alive we can always work towards our dreams... I once read [not fammilliar with the author] "Without dreams our life is barren and we could just as well be dead."
Revise!!! I'm sure you will get lovely feedback!
All the best
Becks
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I really liked this, though I didn't quite understand the last two lines. I thought you were an unrequited-love friend, but than the "her mate/it was no one but me..." made me think the man she ends up with is you?
Aside from that the flow and imagery were beautiful--I love the imagery and alliteration, though I don't know if the idea of a shadow/darkness over the aisle is most effective...what are you trying to convey with that?
Just some suggestions. Excellent work!!
--Shannon -
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sorry mistyped d following wrds
"comes out...and d lady hugs HIM..."
hv written 'her' in my previous reply
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hey...thnx shannon!!
well..i had a dream few days back...i saw myself in a church....standing near d door....watchng my lady..gettng married to a person..whos standing in dark(hence d shadow/darkness....
seeing dis i start to move out....and wen i turn to hav a last look...the person standing amidst d shadow..comes out...and d lady hugs her...
im compltly left amused...wen i see tht d person standing in shadow was no one bt ME!!
dunno..if its hard to digest....bt thts d dream i had..and thot of penning it down!!
thanx for d commnts again!!
Vik.
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Many excellent images and alliteration (i.e. nostaligic Nile, immortal moments.) Sometimes I wished for a different word choice (i.e., The mist at the arch will MAKE true my worst fears.) I also think you could sometimes leave out words, if you want to have an even meter. For example, in the second to the last stanza, you might try:
Darkness covers the aisle, as she inches near
The mist at the arch will make true my fears.
A shadow awaits her...as I start to move out
Again a sound echoes, "You're just a clout."
You may have fully intended the uneven meter for its effect on the reader. PLEASE let me know if you do not want this sort of comment, because I don't want to offend anyone. I really did like your poem. -
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hey,
thanx for d commnt!
i will surely incorporate the changes...and u hav notified d rite flaws!!
and..m nt at all feeling offenced!
i wish for a hard critic! and it surely helps..!
thanx..again...will await ur reviews on my forthcomng poems!!
Vik!!
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Love the flow with alot of emotion. I enjoyed this read
Moving out I turned to have her last look
I see a vision, which completely left me, shook
She was smiling as she hugged her mate
It was no one but me…. destiny’s inmate!!!
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A fantastic flow
and good use of emotions and imagery
Great poem
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aw, this is lovely, has such a great flow, and lovely ideals. keep writting and take care
Stephanie ♥ -
VERY cute
as you put the rhymes to good use and word choices are nice and easy to understand and read, thanks for sharing and yes it can be very nice...
Linda
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a very beautiful poem I liked your flow and rhyme its great and your emotional imagery is brilliant
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