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Awash in Nectar

Under starless sky
without place or time
we drifted together on the sea.
      Nights and days passed unaware;
      humid breath filled our sail.
      We lay tangled in each other
until we run aground on
islands adorned in fruit
consumed their nectar, then
      stumbled drunkenly on sea legs
      back to our simple vessel
      to drift asea again beneath
our smooth blanket of cloud.
All still but the rhythmic press
of chest against chest.

Author notes

After Neruda

A contest entry

Critical Reviews Appreciated

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • just mercedes gold member
    January 11
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful extended metaphor, cadence and flow perfect for the subject. I like this.

  • tara wilson gold member
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I feel this is as the sea of two people, or how being in love is...I don't take this poem literally at all - totally metaphorically, and I love the last two lines...omg..beautiful,...

    I would just put
    'and consumed nectar' too..without the s?

    also, these lines are reading present tense to me...
    We lay tangled in each other
    until we run around among

    maybe

    we laid tangled in each other
    until we ran around among?? not sure..

    a beautiful love poem=)


    • Hulali
      October 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the suggestions. I had "laid" but in the dictionary, it had "lay" as past tense of "lie" so that's what I went with. most common usage should be taken into consideration, though.


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    October 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    since you mentioned you plan to revise and want constructive criticism... this is a line that stuck out to me:
    'and there consumed their nectars'
    i think it is fine to say
    and there consumed nectars...
    because i know whose nectars already...
    just my point of view.

    the last line i did like a lot wrapped the poem up well!


    • Hulali
      October 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yes, I always want crits. Thanks, your suggestions are very helpful.


  • SmokinHotWhiteTiger
    October 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thank You For Entering

    Well I have to say I liked your little ending there. it all came together and flowed beautifully and this blonde tiger judge here was thinking something else was taking place on this poem till I got to your ending. anyways excellent write all round and keep it up good work and good luck

1 - 6 of 6