Today I'll walk across my life--- to analyze the view.
I stand upon a great cliff's edge; Enormous, yet askew.
Interpreting the words that all the sounds behind me say,
"You're sick, and cold! Your mind is locked, and absolutely fey!"
Tainted with dementia, this hollowed illness never ends.
I've got drugs, and just a pencil, and imaginary friends.
Though it hasn't been a hassle living through all eighteen years,
with these auditory fantasies trapped firmly in my ears,
I've strapped myself to living, and I hope this rope will hold,
through the hot ignited summer and the icy winter cold,
but this cliff on which I've tied myself just may decide my fate.
Now I'm headed towards the ocean, at a horrifying rate!
The sight below gets larger and I think that I might die.
What wonders might be down here? I've been up so very high.
I plunge and then start sinking, maybe slightly going mad---
I've been spinning my way down to see, the ocean's not that bad.
I've been talking to the fish inside this vast, obscuring sea,
but secretly, they're plotting, and they point their plans at me!
I'm standing guard, anticipating, ready for attack,
I slip into my combat mode, but they do not come back.
I think they called the sharks on me, I heard them in my sleep.
All around, they're closing in, and calling me a "creep."
The teeth that they sink into me prove I’m remaining strong,
I played the freak inside my head, but now I know I'm wrong.
Since it really wasn't worth it, I just couldn't drown down there,
I swam up to the land above, and took a breath of air.
Assuring that before you stands a girl, so now you see---
this "insanity" will never be, and simply isn't me.
Author notes
October 6, 2008... When I was diagnosed schizo-affective, I thought everything was over. My goal was to never be crazy, and I had FAILED... but now, I see that "crazy" is only a label, and just because I have a psychological disorder, nothing in my life will change except the fact that I have to take some nasty pills every night.
A contest entry
- Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1011 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Getting these points back into the economy. by LearningHow2Smile.
6447 points, ended August 31, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE be HONEST when commenting my writing. Tell me I SUCK, if that's what you think.
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Wow.... @
"Since it really wasn't worth it, I just couldn't drown down there,
I swam up to the land above, and took a breath of air.
Assuring that before you stands a girl, so now you see---
this "insanity" will never be, and simply isn't me."
So open, and honest - and I couldn't agree more that just because you have been diagnosed with a disorder, doesn't have to mean anything more than it does.
This was wonderfully written - you have true talent!
thanks for entering
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Hello Amanda ~
Absoltely spectacular work here.....the main thing I find lacking in this beautiful piece of work, is a few more commas to sloooow me down, so I could have a better chance at absorbing all of your incredible L's before moving so quickly throughout your write ~
****I've been talking to the fish inside this vast, obscuring sea,
but secretly, they're plotting, and they point their plans at me!
I'm standing guard, anticipating, ready for attack,
I slip into my combat mode, but they do not come back.****Wow!
I do not have much to critique, as this write has strength and importance.....your ability to bring it outof darkness and make it Creative, is why this is going to score highly on my board.....good luck Amanda, and thank you for entering this lovely and personal write....God bless you,
Bear ~
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A very strong entry, in English hymn measure, although the meter of a couple of lines could do with tweaking, contest rules did not allow me to point that out.
The poetry is strong, the theme creative and well worked, your rhyming is good and with a small amount of attention I would be able to say the same for your meter.
I cannot agree with my fellow judge who feels this is prosaic, to me it is pure poetry.
Excellent work.
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Hi, and welcome to the POY
First of all, this doesn't suck. In fact, I can relate, as I've had issues with mood-disorders for most of my life, and this makes it all the more real to me. The only thing is, this reads more like prose or a story to me, which will hurt the scores when it comes to formatting, but aside from that, it's a good effort. Well done, and thanks for entering
Laura
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Today I'll walk across my life--- to analyze the view.
I stand upon a great cliff's edge; Enormous, yet askew.
fantastic starting lines here, in fact the whole thing was wonderful. i think this poem was expressed wonderfully. Great work.
Laura. -
Hi there and welcome to the POY this is a theme that I have seen before and it is rather personal and to me those are so hard to judge but I am looking past that to tell you that I think that this is a well written piece. Remember no editing once a judge has commented.
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Aloha and welcome to PO!
Your words, rhythm, rhyme and flow are great...
but they do not come back. I would add either ..."just" or "still" ....you need one more beat in that line...
other than that your metaphor is great...and your attitude is greater! I hope you get rid of those pills soon...
and you can!
Take care be well and blessed!
Best wishes in the contest...and always.
Write on!
REMEMBER: no editing once a judge has commented! -
Very well done.I thought the rhyming scene was very good and you tell your story well.What is insane? If anyone has the answer I'd like to know.We are all insane in our own way.Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and I hope you do well, Ros
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This very nicely tells your story in an imaginative way and I love the whole fish thing.
My only criticism is that I think you have to many comas in your piece and a lot of them are not needed.
Great job and keep up the great writing! -
I like the theme sorry about ur thing i like how the whole thing flows together nicely
~GOOD LUCK~
*Mystal* -
Great write
Your words are wonderful and your structure is true with what you have written.TALENTED
Write on JIM -
You are what you think you are. I'm glad to see that you figured it out. I would not change anything in this poem. It flows very nice.
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Tainted with dementia, this hollowed illness never ends.
I've got drugs, and just a pencil, and imaginary friends.
wow....I bet loads of people can relate to this....it's pretty incredible that you realized that insanity is just a label...so many people don't..
nice flow -
you may have written about yourself, yet i am sure many who have taken time to read this would be able to relate to it personally or not directly, but still be able to relate to it because it is a FACT of life in ones face that sometimes is over labelled...
you scare me not in a frighteningly way but to notice and realize many of us do not think as what and how society and life laws expect us to think and act... why cant some just be allowed to a little more unique than others, without stigma attached
yes pills help many to be able to socialites as normal as what ever normal is demanded of them, yet it too alters one that they are never really themself ever again...
this is so in your face piece of work, i am impressed and applaud you for your open honest upfront piece of self examination of who your were, who you are, what you are and what you are going to become...
great piece of work.... -
Absolutely..
...first rate, well done.
The rhyming is superb, and except for a couple of little "glitches" (which on re-reading were improved), the flow is nigh on perfect.
NB At least you KNOW you're nuts.
Most nutty people (and that includes 50% of the population, AND me, of course) remain ignorant of the fact.
Well worth giving you the clap, and I've added you to my fav list (which is comparatively short!)
Regards,
Robin.
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you don't suck. actually, you're quite good. i love the way this flows, it kept my attention till the end.
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Lovely poem. No, it doesn't suck, but it's a wonderful write about your condition. There are just a few places where the rhythm is awkward and might be corrected, but other than that, I feel you should keep it as it is. Thank you for sharing!
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If it isn't too much trouble, I'm hoping to revise this poem. Could you perhaps tell me what points you thought were awkward? I would really appriciate it!
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Tainted with dementia, this hollowed illness never ends.
I've got drugs, and just a pencil, and imaginary friends
Those two lines feel awkward somehow, sorry, I don't have a suggestion on how to fix them. My mind is sizzling out right now.
plunge and then start sinking, maybe slightly going mad---
This line I don't feel it fits so well, because towards the end you say "this insanity...isn't me", but here you basically admit you go at least a little crazy.
Those are two things that bothered me the first time I read your poem, and those are where I would fix if I were you--but since I'm not, it's all your choice.
Hope it helps! -
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hmmm... I just might tweak this a bit. Thank you for your input! =)
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i feel if you tweaked your now poem to anothers muse, then this piece of YOUR work will surely lose much of its truthness within its write, imperfect is as perfect as it was meant to be when first done... do not change a word or a line, leave it all as is, it is being you....
if you do change it, let it come from your need, not from anothers opinions...
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Excellent
Autumnflame, I find my fellow earth walkers who have had to suffer through ignorant others calling them insane just because they have diagnosis, well in actuality, it those ignorant others who the ones that are insane!!!! Also just what exactly is normal and are any of us quote unquote normal???? and believe it or not their does exist many famous writers and actors who have diagnosis, cant think of any right now but when I do I will be sure to revisit and give you their names.(its been along time since I read about this significant others).
Excellent!!!!!!
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fair play to you i love your confidence it seems to me the words of a surviver not a victim the way you describe things thats going on all around you its other people you need to watch not yourself i thought it was awsome and very brave to put yourself ou
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Honestly I think its a great write deep in the thoughts of ecstasy.. words are to many, the one that defines a thought.You've caught it here and banged it with your thoughts.....I LOVE IT.....I would not change any of it coz its just perfect...
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You have done a great job at this poem. I love the song Unwell and am very impressed that you got this poem from that. You had amazing imagery and I think this is an amazing poem.
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Very well done. Your attitude about your psychological disorder is refreshing. Having a psychological disorder does not mean YOU are a psychological disorder.
Your use of the ocean as a metaphor for your disorder is wonderful -- and the fish representing your thoughts and voices is inspired. The vivid imagery of this poem lingers long after I have read it.
Good luck in the contest.
Garrison
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