You're giving him that look,
the look that was once mine.
It's pained me to watch you leave,
though I will survive.
All these things you've given me,
I've come to despise.
They represent something I am not,
something I used to do just for you.
But I've loved before,
and I've lied before.
I've cried before today.
I know this lonliness you've given me.
And there go all my dreams,
as you whisper words,
through my screams.
I can't fight these old feelings,
even though I know your frigid heart.
Why must you leave these memories,
to torture me until I'm no longer sane?
You've been too generous in replacing them,
with ones of you someone else.
But I've lived before,
and I've killed before.
I've died before today.
I know this murder you're commiting.
My hands shake and my heart beats,
with the quickening pace of your step.
But soon this will be over,
soon your silhouette will disappear.
Lay me down.
Break me down.
Bury me.
Because you have forsaken me.
You've already killed me inside,
now that I realize you've always lied.
Why? The question is still echoing in my head,
I wish you would've said something.
Now as I lay here,
I think of you,
and find I don't even,
give a shit what you do.
But I've hurt before,
and I've strained before.
I've reached before today.
I know this death again,
as you turn and walk away.
A contest entry
- The Cutters And The Suicidal by Juggalette Sammy.
1000 points, ended May 22, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite contest by Sadistic klown girl.
1000 points, ended June 2, 155 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Preretites Prewrites! by pain is love..
560 points, ended June 13, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Prewrite Contest for `Two Prime Groups` by The.poet.of.hearts.
1010 points, ended July 24, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Poem 2. Rainbow sherbet!
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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63 for Write
17 for title
Great Write.
nicely penned, wish you luck
anyway
thanks for entering
Out of 100 You have Achieved 80
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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Thank you for an amazing write!
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"You've already killed me inside,
now that I realize you've always lied.
Why? The question is still echoing in my head,
I wish you would've said something.
Now as I lay here,
I think of you,
and find I don't even,
give a shit what you do.
But I've hurt before,
and I've strained before.
I've reached before today.
I know this death again,
as you turn and walk away."
These are wonderful and I am pretty sure a great deal of us have felt this way. I enjoyed this write very much Thank you for sharing. -
WOW
Lay me down.
Break me down.
Bury me.
Because you have forsaken me....
i love the bitterness of it all...
Its packed with hatred and despair..good luck with the contest
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I very much enjoyed reading this poem. The words flowed great and the imagery was wonderful. Great write and thank you very much for entering. Good luck!
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Great job on the everything And push this poem to its limits because it is a winner.
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I felt this poem was really cliche. The topic choice written on, is just so overused, and not original anymore. I did, however, like your emotion and the metaphors used in this. I think that if you used more metaphor and made this a bit abstract then it would be great ! Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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I thought that this was good. Well written, and I loved the emotion in it. Please put the option number in your author notes, so I know which one that you chose. Thank you for entering and good luck.
Take care
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yeah it's lower, in the extra notes. The AN already has an option for another contest in it lol sorry. But it would be really full if I tried to put both in.
It was Option 5: written to On To the Next One by Escape the Fate (jsut so you don't have to look
)
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Oh ok then.
Thanks for letting me know.
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no problem!
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the emotion in this piece is overwhelmingly tortured and sad. I think it was a very well done write and I wish you luck in the contest.
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thanks!
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Doesn't strike me as stupid.... lol, but it is pretty good. you did however forget the butter in the eye in your notes. remember to do that so I don't have to Disqualify you on a techincality
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Deep
I feel the ache and longing for understanding why you've been broken again...I'm sorry for your loss, I pray that things turn around and you find yourself smiling again in the sun. Yours in poetry, gypsy
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I like the way you repeated this:
"But I've lived before,
and I've killed before.
I've died before today.
I know this murder you're commiting."
But each time in a different way and with different words. Really enjoyed the read of this, it represented a theme often written about yet you brought it up very differently. Loved the first stanza and all the poem none the less. Keep up the great write!
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In general, I think these lyrics read extremely well, but I do have to go with Rashida on that second stanza: It seems a little out of place compared to everything else in the write. If you revised it, or perhaps took it out completely, I think it would improve the piece. It really is well-written, though, as a whole song. In fact, I'm very taken by it. It has a lot to say, and it voices itself within strong images and feelings all the way through. Definitely a keeper!
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I changed it now and I do believe it's better. I managed to keep a little rhyme. Thank you for your comment!
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That definitely did it for me!
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"All these things you've given me,
I now hate.
I know you see my pain,
and I bet you think it's just great."
This one just seemed a little awkward, as if it didn't fit with the rest of the poem. Perhaps if you dropped the rhyme here and used something more... demonstrative than 'great'. -
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Thank you for your suggestion. It's changed now and I managed to keep a little rhyme in there. I appreciate your help!
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MUCH better! It flows so much nicer with the whole piece now.
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Nice lyric ,meaningful too .Was wondering how it would sound with music.Keep it up!
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