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Paradigm

Always watching over my shoulder
I thank you,
My true feelings veiled
Though it is impossible for them to be known
accepted
grown
I am content
Your joy is all that I want

 

I gladly relinquish everything
My

work
Accomplishments

even
life
For your sake

Though I am flawed and trivial
You will accomplish the impossible

My truest hope is to help
Or at the very least hinder you no more

In your pursuits


Truly though I have not the courage to say it with my voice
I shall let it be known through my writing
I love you

Author notes

It's complicated, grew out of a journal entry type thing, I'm not a big fan of how this turned out actually but whatever I'll post it anyway.
oh I feel so deliciously emo and out of character.

A contest entry

Eh I don't like this that much, any suggestions or improvments?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Learning2PaintYou
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering this into my contest; however, I'm not sure why you would submit something that you don't think turned out well.

    I do like your title. It was chosen well and helps to set the mood for the poem.

    I think this piece would be much better if you revised where your lines break. Also, I would change "all that I want" to "all that I desire". It would definitely make your poem stronger.


  • Patched Up Ragdoll
    October 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    thanks for entering, but you didn't put which option you chose in your author notes like I asked.

  • LoveNLyrics
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I appreciate your entry very much. I'm not sure it's what I was going for but thank you all the same.