I walk away, scroll in hand,
my gown sways and my cap sits
squarely atop my head,
so pregnant with dreams.
Someone crows like a rooster
and the air becomes a sea
of blue and gold diamonds
dancing on bubbles of laughter.
We turn toward the horizon,
as it bleeds through the clouds,
thinking it is
just another sunset.
I bite my lip and follow you,
twirling a rope of blond hair,
spinning in the cyclone
of your voice.
Words lose all meaning;
I float on the tenor
to where the wind is ecstasy,
the stars, silver streamers
within our reach.
Drunk on the cheap wine
of youth, unaware that
dreams can die before
they’ve ever taken a breath;
They abort spontaneously,
alone, in silence
and often unnoticed
rinsed away in responsibility.
A contest entry
- High School Sentiments by ShotgunSherri--.
880 points, ended November 6, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Goodbye? by writingismycure.
700 points, ended January 1, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Excellent
A wonderful creation. So very well expressed. Congratulations on the honorable mention.
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What a match for highlighting your point, as there are also a lot of teen pregnancies that aren't supported
The honesty you portray makes me feel so sorry for those pushed out into the world too early. And, graduating etc pumps them to appear as they'll carry through with rapid development of bursting goals. Yet, it's too speedy to check there's the real sustenance provided to come true. I love the imagery in, "of blue and gold diamonds dancing on bubbles of laughter," capturing the sentiment of picking anything to be a crackling moment, while you could be digging at the wrong turn and time, waffled.
I was pulled by the sad coincidence in stanza three, when miscarriage happens [even metaphorically,] you try to anticipate everything being normal ... though soon the truth pours out in a finger snap. The catch is it is premature dusk, like Winter's time zone, and that color is more than bothersome right now. "twirling a rope of blond hair" emphasizes the result of striving every direction fulgently, when there isn't a last minute ~
My favorite, "Drunk on the cheap wine of youth" connects to how you have no brakes for focus's health when mainly unconscious to learning all life ... setting a blunt tone. The attitude as well -- clean it up, that's the only messy part with "rinsed away in responsibility." That ending is an ending!
This is extraordinary,
Daisy -
Hello. Attractive title. Or just maybe I've been reading political magazines too much lately. It's really impossible to say.
So yeah, let's dig in. First stanza, I'd consider dropping:
~~squarely atop my head,
so~~
Doesn't really hold any strong connatations. Or, at least, I didn't feel that way.
Second paragraph is gold.
Third is a little iffy on the cliche but it pulls through. Fourth isn't bad. I particularly favor the first line for it's honesty.
Fifth is ok again, but I feel it could have stronger image. In the sixth stanza, the last two lines are riding cliche.
But the seventh is also gold. Love to see this when you tinker with it some more. You have a midas touch.
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Wow! This is superb, Danna! The last line is a really biting look at where most people end up. I'm 39 and I still am able to dream. But of course I'm single and unmarried! God bless you, Danna! You gave us another winner!
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I was so captured by the feeling of you from beginning to end. The last stanza packed a strong reality punch. Well done Donna. I enjoyed and wish you the best of luck.
~Mary O
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I almost agree with needamuse. I think the stanza about words losing all meaning is unnecessary and just seems to be extra verbiage. The stanza before it, however, seems to set up the rest of the poem and because of that I don't find it superfluous at all. I'm not sure about the stanza before that, the sunset one, though. In a way, it seems unnecessary, but at the same time, it too sets a tone. However, it doesn't really advance the poem any, so I guess, when it comes down to revision time, were it mine, I'd cut it.
To be honest, the poem is a bit heavy metaphorically for my taste. Metaphors are wonderful creatures, but they are weighty and so should be used with care. Rather than a new metaphor borne atop each stanza, I'd like to see the same one carried through two or three stanzas. It would be an easier read and have a fluidity that this seems to lack, in my opinion.
celtic queen -
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Thanks for your thoughts. You have given me a lot to think about, because I honestly do see what you mean, and the poem would probably be stronger if I took those stanzas out, but I have this emotional attachment to the rest of the stanzas! Isn't that silly? I will think about removing them though. Thanks again for your valuable insight.
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I like the first two and last two stanzas. The rest seemed superfluous to me.
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I see what you mean. I should take those stanzas out, but at the moment, I have this emotional attachment to them. Maybe in a couple of weeks when I am attached to something else Thank you for reading and for giving me your always valued opinion.
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If you are emotionally attached to them, you should probably leave them in. That is the point of poetry after all. That said, you left out the something that would have made them meaningful and important to me, too. Clearly, they are important for a reason...
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Thanks. I will keep thinking on it and try to find something that will help the reader connect to them.
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Very nice.
Best of luck!
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This is an amazing write! The images that stir with this write are so vivid and take the reader through this emotional ride! You are a very talented writer, thank you for sharing!
Blessings *stomps
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Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
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