I walk around loving someone
and feeling nothing
an empty shell
wanting light
yet seeing darkness
half of me here
half of me gone
but to where
I don't know
maybe back to my olden days
where her raidance reigns
and her beauty resides
back to when she loved
loved this sad
lonly little boy
but then one day
she took it away
and keep a part of my
big, loving heart
half of me had
to go back to
get back that piece
that will heal my heart
will make it whole
maybe then I can
love someone new
and maybe then
I cna see
the bright light
shing on me
from up above
maybe then and only then
I'll be whole again
but until that day
I will lead
This empty shell life
A contest entry
- Tough Times by borrowing.moonlight.
1100 points, ended June 17, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Torn between two worlds by flounder416.
400 points, ended March 27, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Help me reach my 2000 comment By entering your poetry by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended May 11, 251 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
life is an empty shell until you relise that you chose what to fill it with.
The Positives:
loved the style the short lines really were interesting
Room For Improvement:
Nothing I can see you did wonderful
My Favorite Part:
that will heal my heart
will make it whole
maybe then I can
love someone new
and maybe then
I cna see
the bright light
you really did an amzing job on all of this but this part spoke to me
Overall:
I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~ -
Honestly, I didn't really like this form. I thought you could put a little more thought into how you put your words. I think the idea of no stanzas, and short lines was supposed to make it flow, but it really didn't. I think the idea of the poem is good, and to express the feeling of emptiness, but you didn't really describe it much, and I think you could have. It seems like you could just put a little more thought into it, but I have no doubt you put your emotions into it, and yes that is important. I just want to feel like you're putting yourself into your writing. I didn't feel that here.
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I like this poem
♥Sara♥
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i like it. it makes me think of how my boyfriend feels i guess. i cheated on him. and he forgave me. like i guess this shows how deeply our actions can affect the ones that love us. nice work :]
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Interesting. I dont know exactly what to say though. Makes me think... Sorry.
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