among the first learned, good-bye
a child’s hand for a moment
and then the air is empty
your pulse, steady proof
and your heart beat
skips in jubilation
a whisper, your hand
pressed against a nervous laugh
feet touching under a table
smile, shake of head
your hand lifted for a moment
and then the air is empty
A contest entry
- Clean and Simple by Peripatetic.
1500 points, ended October 20, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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two lines that can follow you through life or lines of a poem
your first stanza had me reset the story of my gasp at my dad's knee when separated into social care.
almost cavalier in contrast your second shows how soon we might be forgetful with fibrilation of growing good times, a component of bonded blood pressure. or how one half was hurt only...
you then set up one's own mature homey attempt.
and what's at body can be strong as to nose for redolent per se repeats of reopening lungs of longing or repairing. instinct isn't enough for the stitches it seems but training and true nature.
nice tight effect,
called Carolyn
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This short poem speaks winsomely of those fleeting moments which are for just an instant filled with hope only to become empty air in almost the same instant. With the poem one realizes the air was just as empty before but seems somehow more so afterwards.
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Hello and welcome to AP...
I have read several of your pieces and am compelled to comment. First, I think you have wonderful talent, but you need to "play" with formatting your poetry...presentation has alot to do with delivery and how the reader perceives your thoughts and or meaning to the poem...
Please allow me to "play with your words here...
among
the first learned, good-bye
a child’s hand
for a moment
then
air is empty
your pulse, steady proof
your heart beat
skips
in jubilation
a whisper, your hand
pressed
against nervous laugh
feet touching
under table
smile -
shake of head
your hand lifted
for a moment
and then
air is empty
I omitted a few filler words (and, the) and broke thoughts
Did not change your words other than omitting a few fillers...
♥Becky♥
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Thanks
for the welcome and the comments. I agree with your thoughts on presentation whole heartedly and am definately still playing with this. I tend to edit my poems for even years after they are written. I've been looking for people who actually do share my desire for critique, I do appreciate it
Lori
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"among the first learned, good-bye
a child’s hand for a moment
and then the air is empty
(air empty around a pudgy conchlike fist
a good-bye learned the hard way--- just messing around with it)
your pulse, steady proof
and your heart beat
skips in jubilation
(sickening rush of your pulse
heart beat bobbing in the water
skips in jubilation--- i know it doesnt flow but just some ideas)
a whisper, your hand
pressed against a nervous laugh
feet touching under a table
(an occasional diver under the table
your hand perched, pressed against a nervous laugh
catching breaths on whispers, building nerves-- again.. may not make sense but do you see how it can go someplace more?)
smile, shake of head
your hand lifted for a moment
and then the air is empty"
(a tilted head peeks at the indolent swirl of the ceiling fan,
can't help thinking...
last few revolutions---- again i know it doesnt make a whole lot of sense but i can see how stuff like that could be mixed in with what you wrote-- mine were just ideas--- not suggestions.)
I think I am hung up on the two hands... in the first and third stanza.
I liked this as a good base to something that could be built on... i am reading it and i feel the pulse, hear the whisper, see the smiles... but i wonder- does the pulse run red? is the whisper rough or soft? is the smile a toothless one?
in other words... i think you have a great base of descriptions that can be built on a little more- but that is just me.
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Thank you
I appreciate your critique and your honesty. I have been accused of being a minimalist at times. I am glad that you saw the smiles and wondered, somehow that makes it your poem too.
Lori -
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there is nothing wrong with being a minimalist ....
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