(i)
he could move his ears
and touch her heart
with the tips of
his forked
tongue
(ii)
it slithers inside
her body
looking, searching
for past sins
and sinners
plugs her heart
just to see
how long
it takes her to
not bleed to death
(iii)
red turns purple
midwife hides her
face in black shroud
leaves mumbling curses
princess morphs into
a bruise
moonlight thrown
over throbbing
face
"Do I know you?"
the last thing he said
Does he know me
she chants
and runs hungry fingers
through blood and
flesh
afterbirth
of still-born love
looking for any sign of
real
(iv)
hyenas howl
as the moon-clad
figure crawls through
thick underbrush
tangles untangles
dreadlocks of dead
desire
picks up dried marigolds
the color of his
sapphire eyes
for broken idols
of mortal gods
and their fragile
feet of clay
(v)
he feasts
on fresh morsels
of pink
flesh
bitesized
chargrilled
served on a bed
of bones
handpicked
for moist marrow
finecombed
hollow
there she sags
nothing
left
to feed his
demons
A contest entry
- ugly love by Cat.
2750 points, ended October 24, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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so much to love in this piece.. so much of it has great imagery-
i also love the use of vignette- nicely tied images of demons, serpents- forked tongue
there are a few things i would tighten up if this were my piece-
a quick example:
"it slithers inside
her body
looking, searching
for past sins
and sinners
plugs her heart
just to see
how long
it takes her to
not bleed to death
"
my tightening would be something like this
inside her body
he slithers
plugs the
heart to see
how long
it takes to
bleed out
just a thought... but
please don't think i am dismissing this- i think it's really good
and i am just so pleased you entered our contest
m
-
-
thank you. I enter your contests just for this - to have you read my work and tell me what you think. I really really appreciate you taking the time and giving that example of how you'd edit that stanza. will be thinking of that when I edit my poems in future .
this contest was very inspiring. i'd never read the kind of poems that you quoted on the contest page. It was liberating to think that one can write like that too.
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''(iv)
hyenas howl
as the moon-clad
figure crawls through
thick underbrush
tangles untangles
dreadlocks of dead
desire
picks up dried marigolds
the color of his
sapphire eyes
for broken idols
of mortal gods
and their fragile
feet of clay''
this part is so unbelievably strong, ugly and vivid. When i came to this part it almost made the first two parts not incoorporated with it.. the first to spoke of a situation and then this speaks without speaking but through way more creative thought.
''(v)
he feasts
on fresh morsels
of pink
flesh
bitesized
chargrilled
served on a bed
of bones
handpicked
for moist marrow
finecombed
hollow
there she sags
nothing
left
to feed his
demons"
loved the image of him picking her apart delicately
and yet.. he is so clearly disgusting yet dainty
I got the metaphor behind all of this and it was done subtly clear.
Thank you for this strong entry in our contest. I do so appreciate you taking the time.
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thank you
-
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I have no constructive comments to offer but thoroughly enjoyed your usage of language, the pace, the originality.
Bravo!
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thank you so much
-
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