Drenched in tormenting craze
Smothered in your timeless embrace
You've paralyzed me, for I ache in needs and desires
I long to feel you against my breasts and unleash our fires.
Poisoned in the agony I call love
Provoked in the lust engraved with your blood
Angels envy us while staring from above
Our fairytale is sketched in a river of immortality as it floods.
When I behold, upon the nights starred face
And I know I'll never live to trace
Your nameless grace that stole my heart
Will dwell and feed on memories when we're apart.
Its you who completes such an imperfect soul
And fulfills the beauty and sacredness of affection
You diminish my impurities and make me whole
I now see a heaven, inflaming ecstasy in my reflection.
Naked and together we lie
Bodies entwined, Locked in a fury of passion
The pleasurable sensations evoked, we cannot deny
Wreathed In sweetest sin shameless to compassion.
A contest entry
- Rhymed prewrites only ... by ecrivain01.
750 points, ended November 14, 2008, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Pre-Written Rhyme by poets whisper.
800 points, ended November 11, 2008, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The rhyming is well done in this poem, although I noticed you switch from rhyme scheme every other stanza, but that's not a big deal.
The flow of the poem is a bit wobbly though.
thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
I can feel the emotion and passion you write so well about. Nice rhyme which moves the flow well. This is very romantic which comes across well. Thank you for entering
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"The pleasurable sensations' evoked, we cannot deny"
I can't detect a reason for the apostrophe.
Altogether nothing out of the ordinary here... half rhyme (craze/embrace, blood/floods), no discernable meter, the rhyme sceme AABB here and ABAB there...
I'm sure it was appreciated by the person who inspired it. -
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Will remove the apostrophe
!!!
And yeah... rhyme scheme is varied, I quit simply let out what's in my heart, giving little attention to the actual "theme". It comes out how it is I guess.
And yeah, he did appreciate it =)
Thanx for your frank feedback.
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Passion! Pure passion! I love this!
It is so descriptive, it's like I could vividly imagine it all!!!
I love it!
Naoto
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'I long to feel you against my breasts and unleash our fires'
Wow!
passionate indeed!
/Naked and together we lie
Bodies entwined, locked in a fury of passion
The pleasureable sensations' evoked, we cannot deny
Wreathed in sweetest sin shameless to compensation'
Great!
Really great!
I feel like commiting the sweetest sin myself!
Wet kisses, my love!
Galaxy2
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Wow
It was cool they w\you swished together love and lust. Because they don't mean the same
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The passion, yearning, and eroticism are very well conveyed. The grammer nazi's would notice a missing apostrophe here and there, but the words shine. Parts of it could use some condensing, lose a few of the prepostions for the sake of the flow. This write just burns like a conflagration of lust.
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