he answers voices
calls them angels, and
sings lyrics they inject into his head
"take me down, taste me
make me come
to the conclusion
my delusion is real
duplicate denial, reality
on trial, ride the whip
till you slip, till you slip, till you slip..."
stuck in the groove,
song repeats endless turn-arounds
till the needle is lifted
A contest entry
- ugly love by Cat.
2750 points, ended October 24, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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he answers voices
calls them angels, and
sings lyrics they inject into his head
hey deb- i think your poem starts here
it is a great visual to begin with
and the follow through from here is very nice-
you might consider something other than turn-arounds..
turns, rotations, spins....
i dunno.. but i like this-
and especially the angel stanza.. good voice in that
glad to find you here..
m
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yeah..i think you're right about the starting point..
turn arounds are a way of finishing a song by repeating the last line or two..maybe i should change it though, i was wondering if it would work,
thanks tac
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''sharp edged minutes
slice deeper with each tick''
you know...this start to this... i think it is the word sharp...hurts. The slicing too .. sets this up to me as a one sided deal. I truely like the ugly feel to this start - though that is just where i went
''he answers voices
calls them angels, and
sings lyrics they inject into his head''
Very trippy and i wonder whose voice he answers? The choice of 'voices' leaves me of course to a mentally ill person lol... maybe from my old job.... but with the choice of 'inject' i tend to hold onto my thought of a junkie...and the feeling of watching/loving a junkie... and then i slip into a metaphoric moment with this entire thing!
"take me down, taste me
make me come
to the conclusion
my delusion is real
duplicate denial, reality
on trial, ride the whip
till you slip, till you slip, till you slip..."
There is such twistedness within this and yet it isnt blunt. Ride the whip---- excellent feel and sound and rawhided feel in my hand...loved the beat of reality on trial....
"stuck in the groove,
song repeats endless turn-arounds
till the needle is lifted"
and then i am totally taken to a metaphor moment in this part..so stuck in the groove--- yes. And what does it take to lift that needle?...That use of needle here as well....
I sit in a junkidifyed moment (made up word lol) and how it can be such a metaphor for a relationship.
At least that is where i went
Thank you for taking the time to enter this strong piece.
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totally fantastic crit..wowwie..thanks!
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There was nothing like an old scratchy love song that made you want to grind. I love this! I know he is smiling all over himself. The best to you in the challenge.
Much Love Always ♥
Renee
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Love your play on words within this giving it a duality that is left to the reader. Awesome write pretty lady. Such a darkness and eeriness that lingers after reading. Love it! My best to you in this contest!
Linda
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thank you, pretty lady
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ooooh... this is so uniquely crafted with
great depth in the imagery. I really enjoyed this read. Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Delila
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ahhhh... the old record player
don't you miss that scratchy sound. lol
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So many levels and so sweetly dark.
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Sounds like someone is getting some. Any is better than none.lol
Joe
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