i.
there was that weary moment
after euphoria was spent
when I wondered
why?
nothing happened
as it
should be
ii.
like a wolf, my
thirst and hunger
demanded sweat from her
not-so-innocent
flesh
between bared teeth and
feral snarls
her ravished skin was
flayed;
I licked my lips
desire is a hungry beast
iii.
her hands and tongue;
three steely blades
lanced
across my threshold
queen
and king
these bodies raged
across the borders of
our sovereign states
walls tumbled -
while kingdoms
crumbled beneath
two warring monarchs
we bled but had not
fallen
iv.
though she was
a beauty, still
I wondered
what violence
shred these tattered
sheets that
were colored once with
innocence
Author notes
Taking the first time to a more realistic level I think. Sex is not always sweet, it can be passionately violent and even dark. *shrugs*
A contest entry
- ugly love by Cat.
2750 points, ended October 24, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i love vignette focused poetry-
so this was quite pleasing to me just from the inception-
there are a few things i would do differently- and much i liked.. i like the steely blades
and the attention to detail
i would pay close attention to the opening-
it could be pared so easily as not to start with
"there was" you could even begin with
after euphoria was spent...
etc..
good stuff here.. thanks so much
m
-
''i.
there was that weary moment
after euphoria was spent
when I wondered
why?
nothing happened
as it
should be''
I think this would be so strong if the 'there was that' was not the start... to me it could start right with weary moment or another great part of that stanza... like
euphoria spent
in weary moments...
something like that? but i liked how this would set up the rest of your write. Nothing ever happens as it should -- that part was good-- it made me reference a personal place within my own self.
''ii.
like a wolf, my
thirst and hunger
demanded sweat from her
not-so-innocent
flesh
between bared teeth and
feral snarls
her ravished skin was
flayed;
I licked my lips
desire is hungry beast''
again... you could do the same here... like
thirsty wolf with hunger
demanded.... the image was vivid there though the word demanded was a good fitting choice to set this feel. Flayed--- perfect on its image there... this whole section you did well in presenting its vivid image
desire is hungry beast... I am hung up on 'is' and feel like it should be 'a'? just wondering there though.....or is it a typo of its? I was hung up on this line but liked it if it was a or its and well if it was its change desire to desired i think...
''iii.
her hands and tongue;
three steely blades
lanced
across my threshold
queen
and king
these bodies raged
across the borders of
our sovereign states
walls tumbled -
while kingdoms
crumbled beneath
two warring monarchs
we bled but had not
fallen''
clever and origional thoughts and image of three steely blades.. I almos think that if you made it like
three steely blades licked and groped.. -- that way it is neat with not saying hands and tongue but giving their action? it is like telling without telling...
enjoyed the monarch moment in time and it gives a timed feel. It is knightly (play on words lol instead of rightly... sorry had to lol) fitting with the blade image before it....
''iv.
though she was
a beauty, still
I wondered
what violence
shred these tattered
sheets that
were colored once with
innocence''
i felt this section as a strong metaphor... interesting ending choice -- i am left wondering what made her a beauty though?.. and i guess that is where the reader goes within themself to their own beauty choice and recollection of moments when we have met such beauties and wondered the same.Nice work and Thank you for this entry!
-
Our first will definitely be passionate and sweet. Even if it's dark, you'll enjoy it - how about we plan a honeymoon?
You know, when it comes to topics like there - I'm not sure I'm saying the right thing... so hear this - I've not read a piece of yours that I didn't think was top-notch .... even if you wrote about love
[yes,
*horror*]
lol
♥x.
-
-
*.shock.*
[never meant for the creepy smiley face]
-
-
Oh my... You are so good.
I get so sick and tired of all the fluff. It is certainly not like that all the time. (if not hardly)
You captured the darker side with wonderful depth and metaphore.
You are such a pleasure to read!!!
Delila
-
I totally agree, it can be just like that!
I freakin love this write!! Full of that dark passion. Bookmarking
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