I am a No One

 

I know why no one cares

because I don’t care;

I confess, I am one of them…

 

It is not hate, or envy,

I just don’t fit the category

of a loving, caring person.

 

I do my best,

I really do,

it’s just that, with all the thing that have happened to me…

 

Ok, I’ll admit it,

I am afraid of love…

Yes, sounds silly,  

and it is funny, since it is the glue

that holds two together for life;

perhaps I’m searching for too much glue,

looking for life’s guarantee

when there isn’t one…

  

Nah!

Caring is a habit,

something to be developed,

like every other behavior in life;

we are sorry creatures of habit, let's admit it...

as for caring being a habit, I know, I’ve developed it before…

 

then lost it, in depression and anxiety,

thinking that it is not the real me.

Or was it…

  

So, when I pass a stranger,

I know, from experience,

that there is a tiny smidgeon of caring,

reserved for disaster or catastrophe,

that isn’t displayed readily…

 

Another important point also:

 

I’ve lived in the city

and I’ve lived in the country

and I’ve noticed that in the country

I stop and greet whomever I pass,

us being the only two souls within miles;

there is a certain caring bond in that environment,

out of necessity, I imagine,

needed for mutual support and survival against the hostile elements...

 

while in the city

one would quickly exhaust oneself

greeting every passing stranger on the sidewalk,

and so one becomes non-contact oriented,

which on the surface appears cold and heartless,

as if no one cared,

but is merely a practical social measure taken

so one does not go completely mad…

 

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly

there is that hellish beastly monstrosity called...

 

‘perception’

 

all I know is,

that out of everything I have ever perceived,

ninety-nine percent of the time

I have misperceived it…

and, if I had acted upon it,

I had regretted it;

sometimes my error is revealed as soon as I test the perception,

and I look around to see if anyone saw what a fool I was;

sometimes it reveals itself only after it is too late,

after a relationship has already been destroyed...

 

this tendency to misperceive

goes for the perception that no one cares, too…

 

people are just like playdoh, anyway,

one can get them to care, if one cares to...

 

One other slice of the human psyche, if I may-

I’ve noticed that nice, quiet people

are never regarded!

It is the people who jump up and get in our faces that ‘matter’,

who are 'remembered', who are even 'loved' and preferred…

I know, I’ve been on both sides of the fence…

 

-changing from a quiet person to social person

gives one the feeling of being obnoxious;

and only later, upon reflection, is the reality sorted out-

if I was simply being obnoxious,

or if I really cared…

 

I’ve noticed it in myself-

giving a higher regard to the loud and noisy

over the shy and quiet…

maybe it's a primal thing, species survival and all,

that the loud and noisy are 'alive',

while the shy and quiet are...

dying, or thinking...?

Either way, it scares the primal beast in us away!

 

Or... and this is more likely...

the loud and noisy have received rewards for behaving so,

and are seeking more,

while those who are shy and quiet

have been smacked down!

 

Yes, we are a rewards-driven species...

 

and yet,

once I’ve had enough of the loud and noisy,

giving them all the gifts,

guess who I’m longing for once again…

 

or would that be 'caring' for...

 

or melting for...

 

I suppose it's all self-interest driven...

taking care of the one you need...

 

and as much as I'd like to deride self-interest,

I sadly know that I'm no different,

and just as shallow in the end...

and in the ensuing depression and guilt

I end up not caring about myself...

which, in a beastly way,

causes others not to care;

social life is such a vicious circle!

or perhaps I'm misperceiving it,

and it's that when I don't care about me,

others perceive that there is simply nothing wrong...

that there is nothing here that needs caring about...

. 

Well, I think I've hit on every point in existence,

happy caring!

Or not...