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an undoing






do you recognize your name chortled
as a sparrow in the thick of my throat- or risen

through harvest fog, jagged stalks of letters

clipped and raped across fields of teeth

do you know your name in the lake of my hand
a bridge suspended across fingertips

 

or can you discern, as i do, your eyes,

melted into bed-springs - folded into night

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

m 

Author notes

-

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 38 of 38

  • just mercedes gold member
    November 15, 2008

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    Beautiful, creative imagery that resonates after reading.

    I liked particularly 'your eyes,

    melted into bed-springs - folded into night'


  • Saffron gold member
    November 7, 2008

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    I have read this several times, each time out loud, and it has such a good feel when said aloud--I do love the use of "chortled" (that's just perfect), and I love the queries to the other person of do you recognize yourself...

    I am so very happy to see this here, Mary. This is haunting and lovely.

    Saffron


  • bird at rose
    November 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    one of candor shown through nature surrounding for signifying friendship

    I love the first two lines, just the pronunciation of "chortle" makes me feel how this fellow person's identity rushes through your glowing emotions [to] speak it; cheering and literally vibrating like early morning birds. The imagery is so encouraging that on gloomy days, dusty from the quick picking of the alphabet ... chirps still are heard, not taken for granted. And this thought is pondering for me, with poison, inedible crops or words to avoid because of those deep effects also. However, if careful there may be a beautiful placement - these small, flying creatures resting on the growing care shared ... nested.

    "in the lake of my hand a bridge suspended across fingertips" makes me imagine how lonely and scary it'd be if you couldn't walk across each other's palms afloat and supportive of vim. There's a way to chain a way to push happily from A to B, more than ten times lol.

    The ending ties your use of communicating body parts nicely, giving the image, not blankly but riskless ... wrapped up tightly every evening, not to loosen. With a blink of sleepiness!

    I found this phenomenally descriptive,
    Daisy


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    October 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    how did i miss this?


  • LymphBeauty
    October 20, 2008

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    wonderful write!

    ty for the comment. it wasn't an easy write but those are ALL my poems. they help me recover and mend my bruises.
    good luck on the contest!
    ::huggs&kisses::
    LB


  • Nevel
    October 10, 2008
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    Wonderful imagery...very strong lines. I really enjoyed reading this poem.


  • motel silver member
    October 9, 2008

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    the imagery in this write is so clear and vulnerable ... love how use language, so exact and at the same time, so subtle.
    you don't need me to wish you luck in the contest ... this is a gem.


  • poetryality silver member
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love that word; "chortled". I am such a bird person and I saw the "sparrow" A very well written work of words here dear lady. Wonderful images, simply wonderful! I wish you well in the challenge.

    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • zochit2me gold member
    October 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    chortled

    I love the way you used that word...
    and this poem is excellent...really would not change a thing about it.

    ♥Becky♥


  • iverbthenoun
    October 6, 2008

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    dammit!!!! this is so powerful... hey i am not back yet... i just appear online every now and then... i am using university internet now...
    anyway... i miss you... and i loved this...


  • Jersene gold member
    October 5, 2008
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    This is powerful...it resonates


  • DogFish silver member
    October 5, 2008
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    ...was the prompt "sparrow" or "barbed wire"?!

    • Cat gold member
      October 5, 2008
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      say it isn't so joe...

      • DogFish silver member
        October 5, 2008
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        I believe you mean: "ain't".


        • DogFish silver member
          October 5, 2008
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          ...it probably all just went over my head.
          I beleive I told you I don't know when I should just "put a sock in it"!

          • Cat gold member
            October 5, 2008
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            you should never put a sock in it...
            it's too drying...

        • Cat gold member
          October 5, 2008
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          crap! i'll never be as good as sarah


  • adsaige
    October 5, 2008

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    As usual, I find you writing with a clear voice, and beautiful imagery. The way you write seems almost passing casuality, but yet within moments, a wisdom unfolds carefully as a flower in Spring. Not for the first time, and not for the last one. A very beautiful take on the contest. Best of luck.

     

    Adsaige

     

     

     

     


  • divebar
    October 5, 2008
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    phenomenal.


  • marc creamore
    October 5, 2008

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    What, sparrows considered to be cliche!?!?! I love the little creatures and use them as an image all the time.

    Am I wrong in thinking that you are using longer lines than usual Mary? Whatever . . . your writes are getting more powerful with every posting of late and with this one I am almost left speechless . . .

    Marc


    • Cat gold member
      October 5, 2008
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      i started lengthening my lines a year or so ago... i began reading new poets that always does it for me..

      thank you so much marc... you are kind beyond words


  • Peteskid gold member
    October 5, 2008

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    remarkable...so many things that have meaning, seeing someone in relief...impressions... that they have left...PK

    • Cat gold member
      October 5, 2008
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      yes.

      the relief, the negative imprint
      held to light

  • Rowan gold member
    October 5, 2008
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    wow. You do know how to use the word sparrow without sounding cliche hon. Excellent.


    • Cat gold member
      October 5, 2008
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      it's funny.. i almost threw a sparrow into your poem because i know how cliche you think they are...lol... i was just going to do it to piss you off a bit..

      • Rowan gold member
        October 5, 2008

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        hehehe. I just wrote about swallows, almost used sparrow, so I must be gettin soft in my old age.


  • xxleannexx
    October 5, 2008
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    thats very powerful


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    October 5, 2008

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    seems as if you were inspired by our contest as well lol
    i loved the image of 'lake in my hand'

    *runs off to go delete entry*
    lol

    • Cat gold member
      October 5, 2008
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      you are in the contest?... i have to go see..


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    October 5, 2008
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    this is absolutely beautiful....


    superb poetry


    al


  • tara wilson gold member
    October 5, 2008

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    "do you know your name
    in the lake of my hand
    a bridge suspended across fingertips"

    that is so beautiful.. creative imagery

    'chortled' - I love that word & how you used it within the poem...


1 - 38 of 38