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technicolour

 

 

 

 

 

raw

is the fantastic fire

of pound

pound

pound of flesh

 

an alpha ape

without thought

serving up

fool

 

you

tighter

than before

in technicolour

masks

 

pride and wisdom

relaxed

in naked hypocrisy

forgetting

wry smiles

 

then

the reign comes

stone featured faces

divide a jungle

of wet sheets

and flower

 

blue leaves and shoots

are bland

and unfulfilling

when ground

and pound

   pound

  pound

 

into the green

of you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Cat gold member
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i just love the pounding.

    and then the pound into the green of you- (which i dont want to be presumptuous.. but it ain't supposed to be green....

    i love the repetition of pound
    into flesh, into ground, -the man-take
    on her beneath you-
    love it

    m


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    October 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ''raw
    is the fantastic fire
    of pound
    pound
    pound of flesh''

    well, this definately made this opening a strong fuck of words. Raw was a good choice - gave me the feeling of time... long time lol...and yet actually i -- well in myself--- took this as all of a metaphor that it wasn't about the sex but the time and energy.... sort of thing.. eh but that is just me....

    "an alpha ape
    without thought
    serving up
    fool"

    alpha ape is a great combination. Liked the feeling of thoughtlessness and being the ass-- i am reminded of men like this--- so brutally strong and handsome yet you want to beat them with a night stick at their stupidity sometimes.
    I wonder if it is like how men see ditsy blondes? they are a great fuck but just dont have them open their mouths... and then after the basicness of this -- again i am taken to a metaphor

    "you
    tighter
    than before
    in technicolour
    masks"

    interesting... the choice of tighter after fool-- i sit and ponder this and wonder what kind of alpa ape this is....-- I liked this combination from one to the other because it gives depth. the description of masks... also tells me of this ape and i sit and wonder what he wears the masks for if he is so alpha... and then i realize... arent the strongest men on the oustide usually the weakest on the inside- eh but that is just where i went.

    "pride and wisdom
    relaxed
    in naked hypocrisy
    forgetting
    wry smiles"

    and then you turn the corner here... i liked where it went here. Wry--- such a word choice with many ways to interpret... and i am left thinking devious and or disdainfully ironic.. but again that is just where i went. I liked this section

    "then
    the reign comes
    stone featured faces
    divide a jungle
    of wet sheets
    and flower"

    I almost don't thing you need "then" and "the" i think this could start with one of the stronger words in this section instead....I already know this is next - that sort of thing so just jump in. I liked the feel of possession/power/control with the use of the word reign... and then with stond featured faces... almost took me to that time when i hear victims tell me that he had the "blank" expression on his face while he rapes them. I went to a dark place here though with flower it made it softer....
    more of one of domination and control than rape like animalistic sex but in his mind.

    "blue leaves and shoots
    are bland
    and unfulfilling
    when ground
    and pound
    pound
    pound"

    and oh this was a great ending... bland and unfulfilling... perfect. yes.. this sort of solidifies the sex being so fucking wonderful in his head -- isnt he just doing a bang up job... LMAO... just where i went...

    "into the green
    of you"

    hmmm i would love for you to explain green? i am thinking and feeling envy but i am not sure?
    This little section is where i stayed the most in this whole poem....i guess because of the color- lol but i am an idiot like that sometimes... so forgive me.

    Thank you for this strong entry in the contest. I did enjoy going over it so much.



  • notorious
    October 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my god.


  • The Fun House silver member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I wasn’t sure where you were going with the first few lines but it quickly got my attention. There is something so very sensual about this piece that makes you want to delve there. Excellent


  • poetryality silver member
    October 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good word choice for your very first word. The entire poem has a "raw" edge, like roughing it in nature.

    The first and second stanzas give wonderful imagery. What a flavorful frenzy you've painted for the "alpha-ape-fool".

    "a jungle
    of wet sheets
    and flower

    blue leaves and shoots"

    I love this! I love that your words are forever encouraging a second, and third read from me. LOL I wish you well in the challenge.


    Much Love Always ♥

    Renee

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Loved " an alpha ape" liked the repetition to compound intent and add movement also the metaphor.


    Neat. Very Neat.

    Kudos.


  • poet2angels gold member
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant
    as always
    and a perfect entry for this contest...

    always miss you when I don't get a fix of Muddy muse


    Lynda


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    In a few words: beautifully carnal. Nice work Rich, I predict you will do well with this gem.


    mj.


  • sheltered
    October 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Jungle love, drivin' me mad...
    imagery, metaphor, onomatopoeia
    the muddy has become clear

1 - 9 of 9