Sun's full glory cuts through the trees
Eating mist upon the path
I see your smile, feel mine as well
As we race beneath the trees in early dawn
So vivid are the smells
So brilliant are the trees
Blossoming our excitement
As fall the autumn leaves
Wading through the babbling brook
Feel the crisp cool breeze
Smell earth’s majesty
We're almost there
Hand in hand we reach the end
Of forest's winding pass
We wave goodbye
And say hello to paths we've come and trod
I pull you over
To love you so
And hold you in my arms
Wishing ever to see your smile
An impish glance
A sudden impulse
I can't resist
And whisper in your ear
"You're it"
And steal a kiss
Then run along
With you beside
The road we tread
Full of happiness and bliss
(option #2)
A contest entry
- October New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended November 6, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
VERY nice. Good work. I have two logic 
questions: 1) In line 7, who or what is blossoming? It could be you and your companion. 
Not many trees blossom in Fall.
and 2) Further down in the poem, y’all have waved
goodbye but you are still able to pull him/her over. Maybe you ‘pretend’ to wave goodbye
It sounds like a positively wonderful walk made by two people young, playful and in love. It should happen to us all. Again, Welcome.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Welcome to the poetry site. Your poem is full of emotion. I am not sur if your rhythmn is on. It sounds off to me in some places. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Lady Altheia
site greeter -
Welcome to Allpoetry
Hello Livingstorm,
I love your name.
In your first line, I think "throough" is supposed to be "through"?
You speak of vivid smells and brilliant trees, I would have liked to see you describe these things.. I think the more detail you give, the more the reader is drawn in.
At one point, I thought they were going to go down different paths, but then the story changed. I didn't feel a good transition between the two thoughts. I think that if you elaborate and develop the story a little bit more, the reader would follow along a little better.
I did enjoy the thought of one stealing a kiss and a life of happily ever after.
Good luck in the contest poet,
Criss
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Welcome to All Poetry
How fun! One can see the images you give us! Great job! I really enjoyed the fun and love in this one! I would hate to see this DQ'd because of something as simple as no option in your notes. Please correct this. If you are unsure of how to do this, I would be glad to walk you through the steps.
Best of luck in this contest!
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Hmm...I thought I had made a comment of which option it was, but apparently not. I edited it and left the option in parenthesis on the bottom. Do you think that will be enough? thanks so much for the time in reading my poem I really do appreciate it!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
There is a whimsical, flirty feel to this piece. I really adore it. Please you need to note your option prompt. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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Welcome to All Poetry
A very sweet write. I really like the innocnet feeling to this (stealing kisses). One little suggestion, you may want to add the option number to your AN, I wouldn't want to see this get DQ'd. Best of luck in the contest!♥
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
This was an absolutely-delightful read, and it made me smile! I love your use of description, especially that mischievious feeling that was so present here. your descriptions were very vivid, and I felt as though I were there with you, breathing the same air and listening to the babble of the brook. Fantastic use of imagery here!
my only correction:
"Throough" in the first line should be "through".
Well done, and I look forward to reading more of your work! Welcome aboard the AP crazy-train!
Laura, aka Immortal
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
The soft urgency of this poem is beautiful - it is such an innocent and joyful feeling that comes through your words and I completely enjoyed the experience! The only thing that I wouls pick you up on is that there is a spelling mistake of 'through' in the first line, probably just a typo this is such an adorable poem - it jsut makes me happy! I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Keep writing
Polly
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welcome to allpoetry
Beautiful. Each line and the images your words provoke... just lovely. I enjoye dthe read. Thank you for entering the contest.
You will need to let us know the option number you have used for inspiration. If you have any questions let any Greeter know.
Best of luck to you.
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
This definitely conveys happy imagery, playful times and a freshness that is needed in our day to day lives. Very nicely done.
Welcome to AP and good luck in the contest.
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Welcome To Allpoetry
Full of happiness and bliss.. wow, who wouldnt want to take such a road.. Well done, u have written the poem well. Keep it up..
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welcome to all poetry
Hi Livingstorm
This is such a lovely uplifting poem i felt like i was right there with you on that path Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
Barbara
site greeter
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I love the imagery you've created here. The piece honestly made me happy. I love autumn! Anyway, although I liked the piece and they diction, I felt like the flow was a little off throughout the whole thing and to be comepletely honest, based on the feeling of the piece, it needs a harmonic flow, if you know what I mean. Otherwise, seriously, wonderful work.
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Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi Livingstorm
A beautiful piece you have written here, great imagery.
Goodluck in the contest and keep writing
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