hot metal monster red and black
down deserted highway hauling
speedometer needling one-thirty
the motor humming music and
moving like a motherfucker
eating asphalt and shitting smoke
down a ribbon of road
black satin in the moonlight
stretched out to the horizon hills
that rise like giant
sleeping primordial beasts
wind whipped sands
swirl like sidewinders
over the pavement
in headlight highlights
as mute cacti spectators
stand by unmoved
being swallowed in shadow
the moon, like a silver coin
reflecting the sun into night
rides over the hills
keeping pace with the car
while the stars poke
holes of light through the sky
back seat sleeping
she stirs, a sigh whispering
from her lips like the
sound of butterflies kissing
she dreams opiate dreams
of the city left behind
heels bruised on concrete,
knees back-alley calloused –
forever my fallen angel
flying towards the dawn
A contest entry
- The Autobiography Aisle by Auburn Sunrise.
550 points, ended October 13, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Damn! I can say that here right?
Certainly something very unique in style and presence! I might not have known this was you had it been in a contest of mine lol!!!
"the motor humming music and
moving like a motherfucker
eating asphalt and shitting smoke"
.. I had to outline that lol - it just has a certain something
..
"stretched out to the horizon hills
that rise like giant
sleeping primordial beasts"
... superb imagery here - able to be envisioned ..
"headlight highlights
as mute cacti spectators
stand by unmoved
being swallowed in shadow"
.. alliteration, depth, and poignancy! ..
"while the stars poke
holes of light through the sky"
.. that I just loved, the way it tied beauty into it all ..
"a sigh whispering
from her lips like the
sound of butterflies kissing"
.. and that lol - I adored that phrasing ..
I know, "outline the whole thing why don't ya" lol!?!
Great piece - certainly different, and in a wonderfully refreshing way!
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Congratulations on the bronze! This is such a vivid piece!
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Awesome opening stanza!! love the vulgarity, it really works here! In my mind i kept seeing.... "eating asphalt and shitting smoke" dunno why but farting threw me off, maybe because it reminds me of my 5 year old? hahahaha ages and stages, anyways great opening!
and the last two stanzas.... oh my... beautiful....stunning!!!
"back seat sleeping
she stirs, a sigh whispering
from her lips like the
sound of butterflies kissing
she dreams opiate dreams
of the city left behind
heels bruised on concrete,
knees back-alley calloused –
forever my fallen angel
flying towards the dawn"
.......cowboy, take me away!
Great write, Poet!!!
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You are correct. I changed it to "shitting smoke," which was how it was in my first draft. Having a 7 year old, I've come to know how burping and farting can be used for humorous effect. They are such little monkeys, aren't they?
Thanks for the suggestion. It really reads better this way.
Garrison
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Hmm... would love to know more about the story behind this (I'm sure you'll tell me in an IM - right? ).
I absolutely LOVE the rich, vivid imagery in this. I could feel, hear, see, even smell all of it as I was reading it. One of your great talents is your ability to engage your reader completely - to actually suck them up and put them in that place, that time, that world you've created with your words.
The last stanza is my favorite - I think because of those last two lines. I don't know why, but they appeal to me greatly.
Well the stanza before that one is great, too. Something about "opiate dreams" really gets my brain cranking.
Excellent write. I am very pleased you entered and even more pleased with the material you presented.
I didn't think it was possible for you to surprise me with your skill anymore (I always expect superiority from you) - but you have really done so this time. You took it up yet another notch.
I've noticed that when you write from your heart, about yourself, your poetry gains even more momentum and is truly unstoppable.
Thanks... for an awesome entry and read.
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back seat sleeping
she stirs, a sigh whispering
from her lips like the
sound of butterflies kissing
she dreams opiate dreams
of the city left behind
Wow! This is something else!
I really loved the tough guy sound you elicit in the beginning. It gave the piece alot more attitude. I could just see a 70 chevelle SS, barreling down the highway, thundering through the night.
Right on, you go!
lol
Energetic rhythm throughout, makes me wanna high five something
Much love, and good luck,
jin
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