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4th of July

Stand on the rooftop and gaze into the rips, where the stars, they drew a promise on his skin with needle tips.
Breathing deep the green-grey smoke, guilty spirals in brown eyes. Holding hearts with Porcelain Doll because boy, it gets you high.
  You can paint her face like mother's, sign your name in Freckles noir, but only smile disheveled bitter at the thought that she were yours.
So put your hands up to your mouth and sew it shut with guitar strings, before you shout out to the world the "te amo" you cant sing.

Author notes

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."
To the only man Ive ever loved.

A contest entry

Critique is wonderful.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Cat gold member
    October 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    hi. we did have that
    "no end line rhyme" clause in the contest- so this piece is obviously disqualified based on that.. but i don't particularly care
    if you entered it- i think its a nice piece and you were able to express yourself ably with it

    glad to find it and you here

    m


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    October 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I have to agree with Renee below in the presentation.
    It is hard to read as it is presently but I understand it fine.

    "Paint her face like mother's;
    sign your name in Freckles noir,
    but only smile disheveled
    bitter in the thought
    that she were yours."

    this was my favorite section. Very creative and origional.

    thank you for this entry


  • poetryality silver member
    October 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Stand on rooftops
    gaze into the rips,
    where stars
    draw a promise
    on his skin
    with needle tips.

    Breathing deep
    a green-grey smoke;
    guilty spirals in brown eyes.

    Holding hearts with Porcelain Doll
    because boy,
    it gets you high.

    Paint her face like mother's;
    sign your name in Freckles noir,
    but only smile disheveled
    bitter in the thought
    that she were yours.

    So, put your hands up to your mouth
    and sew it shut with guitar strings,
    before you shout out to the world
    the "te amo" you cannot sing."

    Your words are a delight. Sometimes presentation is just as important as content and feel of words.

    I wish you well in the challenge.



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee