horizon at an early hour
I watch poetry rise
one metaphor shaft a minute
fast as my dawn of years
while rose petals bloom in calm rays
with bird wings I too ascend morning beams
becoming a hummingbird
perch like a cloud
to suck nectar
almost honey
Author notes
I'm so glad I could choose Prompt 9.) Put the sun into your mouth
In a list
A contest entry
- Prompts by Hadji Murad.
400 points, ended November 9, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best PreWrite. by Kastor.
470 points, ended October 11, 2009, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can You Win More Than Once? by MJ Forgives.
1218 points, ended November 12, 2009, 207 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i'll think about a critical comment if you give me the pros and cons
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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It is a pretty writing. I hope you do well in my contest and thanks for entering. Love and Peace!
-Jess
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actually, i would write the first line like this:
horizon at the early hour -
Hi daisy,
this is absolutely beautiful, i love it, and love the moment here, the feeling, and imagery. what a way to bring the sun into your mouth and i felt, or rather 'took in' the wonder of a sunrise here, which i needed badly right now..lol.
i feel there is a tense problem and i'd bring this all to the present...also, the exact time mentioned, i find distracting to the poem and is not needed. of course this is only my personal opinion. do what you like..but this is how i edited it:
spring moved in this house
On the horizon at the early hour
I watch poetry rise one metaphor shaft a minute
fast as my dawn of years
while rose petals bloom in calm rays
with bird wings I too ascend morning beams
becoming a hummingbird
perch like a cloud
to suck nectar
almost honey
i took out the puncuation because i feel it was too distracting too. don't know why....lol.
congrats on the bronze
tara
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I had to lose my gold font to edit because I'm no longer a member ... but I think the revision was more important anyway lol!
I saw to agree with most of your suggestions ~ in a couple spots you may notice a tweak from your original refinement for me or that I kept my old way but I hope you like now.
And, I'm thrilled to have someone want me on their page!
daisy -
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aww..i'm sorry about that=(
i'm happy you like the revisions i made. i like the ones you made based off mine, an in the first line is better...
this is a beautiful, beautiful poem, i'm putting it on my page right now=)
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