the stars have aligned just so
hissing, depraved beacons that delight
in their solitude
and mine
lustful of motion for the sake of motion
hungry as man for another episode of intolerable cruelty
the shriek of her voice will haunt me
through every incarnation
bending as the light can't
around each corner
under all disguise
creeping like a spider through underwear
* * * * *
the children wrap thick blankets
patterned with caricatures seen on the television
little faces still in the flicker
they squirm soft and warm as wolf tits
cringe when their mother bristles into the space
warping the air with tension
then freezing it
outside
the streets shine cold and deserted but for the chiaroscuro
served up by a trillion reflections from every
photon ever rifled our way
a chorus a rhapsody
a joyous and empty
call to the pantheon
*
Author notes
editing
A contest entry
- ugly love by Cat.
2750 points, ended October 24, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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A friend of mine allowed as how she had had too much uninspiring sex in her life. Turrible, I thought insincerely, tho one aspires to be inspiring, or at least a spire--
When i was little, that is afore I was et up with all these digusting thoughts, I had a microscope! Yup, got it one Christmas. I used to squish up bugs to look at. Ants was best.
Hehe--little suggestion thingy says--"offer a rephrasing of an awkward area"--rolling & tumbling often lands one in a position that is difficult to recover from in a graceful manner.
Now it says "any other area in which the poem could improve">To which one might reply that there is always room for improvement despite one's ummm, satisfaction with the outcome?
Any other ideas about how the poem could improve? Well, one could always include Nurses & cowboys the sound of the surf and suchlike--Hey! what's cool is the abysmal music they play in the strip clubs--tho it would be hard to transcribe I suppose cept for the words.
More cold than ugly I am thinking--sorta like, let's do it, passion, we done it. Also, I am thinking there is a certain beauty here which is tinged by a certain amount of anger--a color which could not be dispersed. (Cursed you are, not my fault)
and so forth, and so on.
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Congrats on you shiny hand over the points.
Here's the line for me:
hungry as man for another episode of intolerable cruelty
you've edited it a LOT since I last read it I think.
That line -- well yesterday I was grousing about Sarah Palin and some guy saying how hot she was and I was like ewww she's such an idiot how can she be hot and this guy said to me:
Men think mostly: pussy is pussy
to which I remarked that some pussy stinks. However also it had me embarking off on a theory that men are not as evolved as women in that pussy does seem to interfere with critical thinking (which is sort of funny cause i see you and mary discussing critical thinking here). Think Mark Antony and Cleopatra -- Clinton and Monica etc. and so on.
But yeah, that line because I also come back to the violence that is sex that is love that is BIRTH i mean think about the violence of birth ...
Anyway. I have no idea what this poem is on about honestly but that never stops me from making shit up as I go and enjoying the ride.
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points on their way
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they squirm soft and warm as wolf tits-
the line is pure brilliance - but it makes me want to vomit..
the whole poem really
the title kinda bugs me-
you should be doing this for your living
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I don't know if you read this in its original form, but I excised the line "glowing rows of squintintg pedophiles" from the first stanza, as I felt it was overwhelming the rest of the poem, because it seemed commentors could not get past that one line that simply compared the stars to pedophilies, making us the shiny children after which the stars lusted. I thought the comparison was pretty obvious, with the "glowing rows of..." part, but, apparently, just the mention of the word "pedophile" switches off the ability to think critically in many people, and it has taken on a life of its own, this pall of pedophilia that has dropped over the poem which was not really intended.
The title. Yeah, it sucks, but it chimes so harmoniously with the first few lines of the poem that I am loath to remove it. -
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with all due respect, i think you underestimate my ability to think critically
i see pedophilia through out the entire poem:
in the word depraved, in the somewhat tainted word "deacons" (probably me just looking for it there) -
motion for the sake of motion, hungry man, intolerable cruelty- a shrieking voice,
creeping like a spider through underwear- grown women do not wear underwear.. we wear lingerie or panties.. underwear are for children...
little children squirming..
I think this this is an incredibly good poem.
but with or without the line- which yes, i read it with... it reads of pedophilia to me... and ed, ... my reaction to this poem was gutteral
and pained
to have a real reaction to any poem posted on this site... rare.
perhaps i should have given a longer response originally.
m -
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Though I replied to you, i was mostly addressing the tenor of commentary throughout, a lot of which predates the removal of the pedophile line. I wonder if reactions would have been the same had that line never been included.
Of course, a poem goes where it wants, which is entirely determined by the reader once it exists. This one has gone in quite a different direction than was intended by this writer, which doesnt exactly equate to failure and is what it is.
Thanks.
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writing poetry
not pedophilia
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"lustful motion for the sake of motion"-- you described something i have seen in person. Well a person like this in person and it takes me to a place where i feel so much rage and yet felt so sorry for him at the same time... You know.. how you can be so angry at someone who is mentally ill and yet ... ugh.. anyway... I remember taking a guy into custody who just had his way with a 9 year old by a canal... he just kept repeating how he couldn't help it - the urge was too strong and yet his voice wasn't loud or angry-- but subtle and soft like motion for the sake of motion...
but um that is just where i went with that simple phrase....
"bending as the light can't"-- how this describes a moment without a word for word play by play of that moment.... I was caught there and it seemed painful but i liked that part a lot!
I actually almost just like the first two stanzas all by themselves as a poem...
oh this is such ugly love and is a strong entry for this contest.
Thank you so much for this entry
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I think much of what makes you good is your willingness to take risks. Not too many writers would paint themselves as the pedophile.
I don't like the title, better without the adjectives, in my opinion.
Actually, after hanging on this one for a bit, I'm thinking maybe a bunch of modifiers could be slashed out of it. "the hideous shriek of her voice" - why not just "her shriek?" - for example.
I love all the references to light and dark, the painter you are, manifest.
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'chiaroscuro' - what does this mean? An ignorant Barbie. Xx
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It's a painting or drawing technique which uses variations in tone to mimic light for the purpose of making objects look three dimensional.
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I don't know if you edit these while I'm not looking, or if when I read them a second time they make more sense (yes, the definition helped - thank you).
I love the rhythm of the last few lines, really quite sing-songy without being too much so. Beautiful picture you paint.
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are you sure there's photons warped our way?
and not viceversa?
men are hungry for breaking others
and others for breaking themselves
only because they're both weak and in the sight of other's gappings they find the comfort of not being alone
pedophilia might sound shocking
though the entire humanity is on a 'quest for purity'
and I won't call only lament
a rapsody...
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I wanted to stop reading after this word;
"pedophiles"
"creeping like a spider through underwear"
See, now... last week I had a giant, no exaggeration, spider on my arm; in bed! Hubby had to catch it, kill it, and dispose of it as I stood witness.
I am still cringing over here at the feeling, and stark word image.
I think this passage could use some editing:
"the children wrap thick blankets
patterned with caricatures they've seen on [] television
[] little faces still in the flicker
they squirm soft and warm as wolf tits
[] cringe when their mother bristles into the space
warping [] air with tension
then freezing it"
Take out the words where there are brackets:
"the children wrap thick blankets
patterned with caricatures they've seen on television
little faces still in the flicker
squirm soft and warm as wolf tits
cringe when their mother bristles into the space
warping air with tension
then freezing it".
The very last stanza compares and contrasts .
"every
photon ever rifled our way"
There would be no light without dark, right without wrong, up, down, in, out...
I would think this mind-set thunk itself as one like unto Plato. Hmm... What did I just say?
Ah...you know
Deep, dark, and disturbing but sheds much light on a subject that doesn't sit well with a major portion of us all. Hopefully! The best to you in the challenge.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Thanks, Rennie. I like some of those ideas.
I don't know nothin bout no Plato, but I am a wizard with playdough.
You remember silly putty? Do they still make that stuff? I love silly putty. It bounces like a superball and copies newspaper bits perfectly.
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Read this loads of times now. I have no criticism to offer, because on further reads the things that niggled cease to do so and the reasons for using this word. that word in that order/way becomes sharp and clear.
Possibly one of your best - the power of that scream is chilling.
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Thanks. Have you noticed the targeted ads at the top?
One says, "No more pubic hair ever! Get that smooth, clean look you've always wanted"
probably because of the category -
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That is beautiful, no more being grabbed by the short and curlies. Everything can be solved with a Google ad these days.
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You use a lot of words I fucking hate. But that's personal, and probably hypocritical, and beside the point. The ideas are true, as in real, not honest, but maybe that too. Warping and freezing tension and air? I think this would be easier to talk about if I could gesticulate. Spiders in underpants is something that appeals to me. Grungy, delicate, and hard to break, I think. The second stanza is money. It's been a while.
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I read this yesterday and had to come back after it soaked in a bit
Your imagery is always so precise that one read is never enough
Love the attention to details and your use of wit, as always
excellent
peace Muddy
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Stunning dark brilliance.
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truly an impressive write for this contest. I love the line "they squirm soft and warm as wolf tits..." I don't think I've read you before, but I know I will now.
Love, Lane
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