there seemed,
to be something
missing and too much,
of everything.
it just fitted in
like breathing plastic plants,
heaving,
seething.
we never noticed
the whispered suffocation.
it stalked the moon,
and from steel
balconies, vehicles were
observed marching
in parallel.
they cut through
the earth,
it was for what
we were.
soul from body seele von körper
body from soul leiche von seele
candle from flame kerze von flamme
flame from smoke flamme von rauch
can you see
the iron seamed sun?
will we see it,
for the next
beckoning of day?
a parasitical confusion
of who needed who.
sie waren erstaunlich.
jetzt senden wir Sie,
um zu sterben
Author notes
OK, Kendallia, it's Lauren Jean here (Fallen Forever if you've had a sudden bout of dementia)
VI: I'm writing about fear. I'm doubling this up with an entry for Most Improved so I'm alluring the Holocaust to the life of Marilyn Monroe. If this is obscure, just DQ.
In both lives there was so much fear from artifitailness, constantly being split up and hurt.
Have you ever seen the picture of her leaning over the balcony looking at the cars going by? It's beautiful.
A contest entry
- snowflakes- I by bird-mad girl.
1800 points, ended November 24, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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There is too much of everything and something missing. An anomalous black hole seems to be drawing everything in; the sink hole in our souls. Or is it just me? We stagger on unsound foundations collapsing a little each day looking for the thing that will "fix it." It may be broke beyond fixing.
This is well done.
Garrison
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This starts out of the blocks like Usain Bolt on acid, then the line breaks in the way you lay the work out...I could scream! This is so close to being an incredible piece, it just needs that little bit of reworking and you have written a masterpiece.
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Why thank you!
Reading over it, you can tell I was a bit younger when I wrote it! Well, thank you very much for the comment, and I most cetainly shall be re-working some of my old pieces
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Thought I'd take a wander over and see what our newest group member had in her pages. Not only was I impressed with this, it was a write which has a lot of body in it with the imagery created, simply well done.
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Toll . . . sehr toll. You had me from the first stanza here. The german was an extra little treat -- and fine grammatically, to the best of my knowledge.
"whispered suffocation" <== <333
-Love, Zach
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Wow~
I have so missed Your works and You sure know how to paint scenes-images with Your words!
Excellent as always~
The way You present Your pieces take the reader right there in the front row~
Powerful message also metaphors
You fed to satiate~ Bravo!!
Congratulations on Your HM!!
Wooooooo Hoooooooo!!
(throws some serious confetti)
Thank You for sharing Your Heart and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
Best wishes too
with much love & light~ Desire~*~
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"it stalked the moon,
and from steel
balconies, vehicles were
observed marching
in parallel."
i like the imagery, very descriptive, but i didn't like the line break from 'steel' to 'balconies', it seemed choppy.
"soul from body
body from soul
candle from flame
flame from smoke"
logically, this doesn't make sense to me. the dyslexic descriptions confused me. i am probably missing something.
overall, i don't think this did your talent justice.
i liked the imagery in the fourth stanza, content-wise.
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This is nicely written, i'm not sure i have much commentary to give you but i liked the line "can you see the iron seamed sun?" a lot. i think in some places your wording is awkward like "it was for what we were".
also, i think your imagery was well focused considering you were writing for two different prompts.
-cassidy
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Wayy cool. Bilingual is amazing. I mostly just stick to franglish. I don't know any german. *sighs* BUt I liked the interwoven threads.
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I'm breathless! I don't know what to say!
Wow. Every line was well awaited, anticipated, and wanted. Excellent work
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Wow. That is an absolutely amazing entry! I love how you combined the two, they complement each other extraordinarily well!
Best lines:
"a parasitical confusion
of who needed who."
I love that. It says so much, in words and images.
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Wow, this is awesome.
Opening was really cool, I love the irony of it.
"whispered suffocation" That was great.
I thought the German was a really nice touch, good emphasis on the Holocaust imagery. Your punctuation has gotten much better
Your pieces were always really good, but now it flows a lot better and makes it an easier read with the same awesome message.
Great job!!!!
Love Always,
Caroline
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Very Nice
Oh my beautiful sweetay Lauren I have waited forever to read one of your poms ( I probably missed some but oh well ) and any ways well I absolutely have and abolsutely always will love your poetry any ways this poem of your sis spectactular and you did a great job with the german too. any ways wonderfull word choice and your over all presentation through out this piece is awesome. any ways excellent work sweetay and good luck in the cotnest. Big Big freshly picked thornless
P.S. check your messages section girlie
I bene sending ya a few Ims but you always miss em but I realize u r busy
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I can't help you on the German part (I think I know two words in German) and I wouldn't even dream of DQing this piece. And yes I have seen that picture of Marilyn. She always took the most beautiful, raw, and natural pictures.
I read this piece twice. I first noticed all the mentioning of iron and steel. It gave your piece such a strong, industrial feel. There seemed to be this bitterness behind it, one brought on by desperation and fear so it completely fits the option.
When I reread it, after reading your AN, I could see the comparisons you were making to both Holocaust and Monroe. The mentioning of steel made me think of barbed wire and the emotion both fit the two comparisons. I thought that was clever and genius and creative of you to link all those things together. It came out beautifully in the end.
All my love
♥
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