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Immunity

Missing image

 

 

Immunity have not I

    to the deep, bloodied emotions
         coursing through human veins.
             I walk on narrow cliffs,
                  strewn with the skeletal frames
                      of lost and lonely travellers,                                                         
                            mere shadows of former selves
                                 who know not,
                                       which path to choose.
                                             Nameless human effigies
                                                   wandering semi-naked,
                                                   draped only with the thoughts,
                                             thoughts they dare not speak of.
                                       I touch the wounds embedded deep
                                 within scarred,anguished souls,
                            with hands as light as a feather.
                      I hear faint whispers and echoes, 
              voices needing, wanting, 
         nay, aching to be heard.
    I sit upon a chair made of empathy
knowing all they want
is to be heard,
    so I listen, I simply listen.
 
 
 
 

Author notes

prompt:- mental disorders

People existing in their own invisible prison. No can see their inner conflict - yet many are quick to pass judgement.

 

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • godless
    June 4
    Edit | Reply
    I feel that the physical form of this detracts from the poem itself. it makes it a little difficult for the reader to read this without some optical acrobatics. the words themselves read as almost plain prose when removed from the wandering text form you have this in. their slight convolution doesn't quite suggest mental disorder to me. [Nameless human effigies wandering around] would benefit, I think, from losing the [around] in it. useless word in that context. also, having [human effigies] is kind of redundant. an effigy being the form of a human would make saying [human effigies] like saying [feline cats]. the two periods after [semi-naked] should be a hyphen, I think. the ellipsis after [nay] should be a comma. I think it would be better off without it before [I just] too. [I still upon a chair] doesn't sound right. did you mean [I sit still upon a chair]? the change you have from italics to straight text on [listen] accents it enough to allow the removal of the tildes around that word. with the ellipsis after [just] the tildes are just overkill. I don't know what I would suggest for form. I'm fairly simple with my own. what you have here though is overdone, I think. there is a hauntingly subtle quality to this poem. it hides beneath the glitter of the form and the "psuedo-olde english". I believe a poem shouldn't need those things to make it a good poem. a poem should be able to stand as words alone and verify itself as a poem. this poem can do that yet you hide it. let it shine. polish it up even. I offer my help if you want it.


    • Mariana gold member
      June 9
      Edit | Reply
      I thank you for your comment. This was one of the first poems I wrote when I joined this site. It did need editing. Thank you for your suggestions, they were much appreciated.

      • godless
        June 10

        Edit | Reply
        that is so much easier to read. I very much appreciate your civility to my critique. I had no idea it would be a rarity here on this site in general.


  • individuality gold member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    a good poem, it made me think of someone with a deep sorrow, a mind that could tune into other's pains and sigh with them


  • Draig aine gold member
    May 2

    Edit | Reply

    oh yes my sweet sister

    have been missing you and happily stumbled upon this lovely write, loved the form, loved the images, loved the write


  • awannabepoet
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    Ah yes the therapist one who has to bend and twist to the whims of those to whom she must listen it is a nice way of show how twisted life can be and how one can fit any mold so long as it has a body in which to fold.

    I like it, I like it so!


  • Heath Thompson
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    I can see why this has won a few trophys. You have a way of writing that reminds me of Rossetti and Dante. Well done.


    • Mariana gold member
      April 22
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you!

      That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.


  • artis
    April 20

    Edit | Reply

    You have hit the needed nail on the head, so many just need to be heard, not advised, not stuck in

    categories for therapy, just a kind ear to share their woes. That in and of itself promotes healing.
    superb poetry here mariana. ~~~Artis


  • Dark Otter
    February 23

    Edit | Reply

    My favorite

    I loved the form and shape of this poem. I don't have a bad thing to say about it. It is one that I will look at more, so that I might emulate it in the future. I just plain really like the 'darn thing' becuz it is really unique. Well done, poetess!


  • Ken-Maverick
    February 3

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I think this deserved more than H.M's
    and that picture!! brought back memories of old.
    "ouch" but so true are your words

    Ken


  • Walls-within
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    This was amazing. I loved the haunting melodic tone to this write. You did an amazing job. this was very thought provoking and powerful. Almost inspirational. Amazing.


  • PastelMoons gold member
    January 4

    Edit | Reply
    Mariana this amazing
    such dark eloquence
    I felt every well crafted word in every line
    This spoke to me on a very personal
    level
    Thank you so much for
    sharing ...

    ~Pastel


  • camus gold member
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Mariana, your poem is unique and arresting in its employment of original imagery and poetic diction. Loved the images related to the "skeletal frames". I think you are right : some lost souls are merely desperate to relate, to be heard, to know that they matter. "Empathy" is the key word. Good luck, my friend - Tony x


  • Thendestinystruck
    December 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very nice write.


  • Peteskid gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very sensitive portrayl and excellent use of the page...free verse form, very expressive...I lkie this a lot...PK


  • Stevie.me
    December 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Absolutely Gorgeous

    Maggie this is an absolutely gorgeous poem.
    I read it and I just wanted to cry.
    You used 3 of the 5 senses and made amazing economy saying so much with those three. I also loved the visual flow. The poetic flow went nicely as well. You deserve to win the contest.


  • poetryality silver member
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "I hear faint whispers and echoes
    voices needing - wanting
    nay...aching to be heard"

    I love the abstract feel of your words. The mind works in its own will at times, and those things that have been poured into it behave as snapshots of fantasy and reality. Excellent work here poet. Thanks for the richness scribed here, and this entry in my contest and please forgive my delay in commenting. Life has a way of acting like the measures of our minds.



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee


  • aslanlight
    November 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The power to listen is a great power and I was only thinking about it last night and this morning in the context of helping addicts (which is also a problem of the mind, and spirit). Another powerful thing to do is to listen to the silence. You're a powerful poet!

    Peace Georgia


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congrats on the HM!

    I love the darkness here, suck raw bleak imagery. A very strong feeling of loneliness. Excellent write, love the presentation to, awesome! Congrats on the HM


  • Joseph Hollis
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting presentation. This piece has a desolate and solitary feel. There's much truth here.


  • Zenda-Lokki silver member
    November 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Is fantastic to see musings on abstract subjects. Mental illnesses and dissabilities in general never seem to get the attention they need.

    Great write xx


  • smonte19124 gold member
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The staggering of the words is brilliant it adds to the overall effect of the words and the staggering effect of mental issures itself. An excellent write. Good luck in the contest. God Bless, jo-Ann


  • second-born
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    truly each and every word you've written is true...this is an awakening for all of us to see and feel the emotions of someone who has mental disorders...before we 'judge' them we have to love them first...thank you for sharing this amazing piece!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this poem, I've felt many times like I am one of those lost souls... unable to grasp reality, yet having everyone tell me how things are suppose to be, how I am suppose to be. I love your choice of words and the way you formatted this although in some places it appears as though the formatting was interfeared with by the formatting AP uses, could just be me though. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • trekkergirl
    October 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I asked for Left aligned poems unless explained why. This is impossible for me to read and no real reason for why you wrote it this way.


  • Super-man
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    and you do listen. you have a fantastic talent.

    Stunning write.


  • ProudMomma
    October 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow i really like this poem!

  • SilentMoonlight
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very interesting read. I love how your expressed your thoughts with thoughts and words that created a thousand pictures that a reader could pick from to be comfortable with. Very impressive I enjoyed reading this.

    Thanks for entering!


    • Mariana gold member
      October 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks...I appreciate the feedback given

1 - 31 of 31