Peaks of sun through the trees tease my eyes
As I walk through an ocean of foliage.
My shoes make a crunching noise on the gravel
And I turn to notice the cloud of dust left behind.
The smell of sweet pine leads me along the road of the unknown,
And I am left with a longing feeling.
But I travel further
And the sun breaks suddenly
Revealing a plethora of opportunities life has yet to offer me.
I accept each one
And continue on my path
Walking with no one around me
But knowing all the while
I am not alone.
Author notes
Option 2
A contest entry
- October New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended November 6, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Helloo there
Welcome to ap!
"Peaks of sun through the trees tease my eyes
As I walk through an ocean of foliage."
I really enjoyed those opening lines but remember to put commas in when needed to slow the reader down. like this:
"Peaks of sun through the trees, tease my eyes
As I walk through an ocean of foliage."
when you pause for breathe put a comma. apart from that this is lovely! I adored the metaphors in the poem!
all my love
~
~
~ kitty xxx
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Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Thank you
Thank you for wishing me luck. Best of luck to you too. Thanks!
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
You have some very good lines here. And complete thoughts. I much prefer that to a fragment. Keep up the good work. 
I hope you enjoy your time at AllPoetry.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hello Irybkosh,
I loved the lines:
"Walking with no one around me
But knowing all the while
I am not alone"
It is always a good feeling to know that even when we FEEL alone, that we are never truly alone.
You did a great job with this poem. I think that if you made the lines more even that the breaks at the end of the lines would be less noticable.
This poem feels very narrative, but I think the way that you pull the reader along with you is very affective.
Did you know that there are many options for backgrounds to customize your poem even more? If you open your poem and go to the section that says "owner options" and click on the link that says "customize background" you can choose from a large selection of backgrounds that are available to all Allpoetry members.
Bravo poet and good luck in the contest.
Cris -
Welcome to All Poetry
This is great. I know the feeling of being alone, but I also know that I am not. I think we all feel that way sometimes. You did a great job reminding us of that fact. Thanks.
Best of luck in this contest!
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Welcom to AllPoetry
Nicely written A few spelling errors but other than that the imagery is well shown. And your right sometimes alone we feel as we are not alone.
"V" -
Welcome to All Poetry
You have written a beautiful piece! I love the images you have added, and the vocabulary is fantastic! You have truly done a great job with this! All the best in the contest.♥
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Welcome To AllPoetry
I love the introspective sense of he piece. The poem sounds peaceful. Taking a leisurely walk down a road. Being alone but not really alone. Good luck to you in the contest and welcome to AP. -
Welcome to Allpoetry
You have really engaged the senses in this poem. Your imagery is wonderful, very well written piece.
♥
whisper
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
This is a gorgeous poem, full of imagery and poetic devices. I love your first line, as the personification you've given the trees is stellar!
My suggestion to you; try to cut down on the filler-words to maximize your poem's potential. Possibly rewrite this:
"My shoes make a crunching noise on the gravel
And I turn to notice the cloud of dust left behind."
to sound a bit more like this:
"My shoes crunch against the gravel,
and a cloud of dust hangs overhead."
Eliminating fillers only increases your poem's effectiveness, and is a little easier on the reader's tongue
Well done, and good luck in the contest! Welcome aboard!
Laura, aka Immortal
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
This is a beautifully affirmative poem I really like the way you lend this poem strength through your words and tone - the only suggestion that I would make is that maybe having similar line lengths would benefit the flow of this poem - but that is just my preference, and the poem is wonderful the way it is too the first line hooked me and my attention was kept the whole way through! I wish you the best of luck in the contest
Keep writing
Polly
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
This is really strong! I love the deepness of these simple words. Unsure of the path, only to lead to a vast expance of your own choosing. Being by yourself, but not alone. That speaks volumes. Well done.
Welcome to AP and good luck in the contest.
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welcome to allpoetry
This is indeed pleasant to read and a neat poem thank you for takign time to enter the contest.. Good luck with the same
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welcome to allpoetry
You have some wonderful wording here and as the others have pointe dout the imagery is great as well. Lovely.
Thank you for sharing and entering the contest. Good luck to you.
Enjoy the site.
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Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi lrybkosk
Excellent poem you have penned here, i really enjoyed the read. Some great imagery with the words you have chosen.
Goodluck in the contest and keep writing
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welcome to all poetry
Hi lrybkosk
I enjoyed your poem very much you leave such nice images in my mind thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
Barbara
site greeter
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
Hello there.
I have to say this is lovely. You use many nice images such as "peaks of sun".
The beginning does respond to the end. Nice going there.
The title is good and I like the ending. Emotionally, I see that the author is trying to get us to look
over someone's shoulder.
*Suggestions*
I would economise this somewhat. Scale it down so that the strength you intended gets full potential.
*a double use of 'trees' could dilute it. I'd choose another word for one of them.
A little tweaking on another day will bring this one to a new level. Let us know if/when you edit.
Good entry. Thank you.
Warmly, CookieZeal
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Thank you
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. Right before I sent the poem I contemplated using trees twice, but I sent it anyway. I think using it twice does dilute it somewhat, so I will change that. Thank you so much for commenting on my poem!
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