Past transgressions expel smokeless fire
housed behind deteriorating morals
left chained beneath the darkness
of divergent interests
aligning with wavering constitutions
flayed and prostrated
atop the watchful eye of man
Author notes
(30 words)
A contest entry
- You Interested in a Quickie? by Sweet Impatience.
975 points, ended October 5, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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ah, I finally 'got' the wavering and flayed lines- the line breaks threw me for a loop... now the question is- would 'fixing' the line breaks make it less poetic?
i.e.
"left chained beneath the darkness of divergent interests
aligning with wavering constitutions
flayed and prostrated atop the watchful eye of man"
I guess I could say, "do not fear long lines" (I've preferred them lately)
so, the artistic decision is for you to mull over, your cud to chew; your cup of mouthwash to gargle with, your bathtub to splash in, your shoelace to tie, your sock to fold, your doorknob to turn... your keychain to jingle... (don't you just love my deep metaphors?)
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thank you for the mull fuel. I think you maybe right in this...sheesh I just said you were right
and your metapors I do love
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Such a feel of something chasing you and gaining ground!! There seems to be a relentless pressure mmoving through this piece. And I though "Past transgressions" were cold! Liked this write. Geo
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...and you thought santa was the only one paying attention if you are naughty or nice...
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Look at you. Another honerable mention. You better be careful. You might have to return those.
Great job. As usual. I particularly loved your metaphors. They wrapped around my heart and stayed there.
Yink
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lol, yeah well in a few weeks I will return them via a contest I intend to host
Thanks spigot, that means a lot coming from ya
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An excellent metaphoric piece .. The watchful eye of man sees many a debt in humanity I believe!
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