You were at the barn with your sister who is friends with my sisters.
When i saw you talking with my mom.
When I saw you...honestly, i thought i was going to faint.
I told myself there is NO way a girl can be so beautiful,
and yet so kind and gentle with people.
You listened to me blibber babble, and i think you took intrest,
You and I seemed to get along, even though i can be annoying.
Sure enough, you are the whole package in one beautiful girl.
you made my heart feel a way that it never did before.
You made me feel like there is love in this world,
And then i remember i walked right into an electric fence.
My sisters joked with you, and said "My brother likes you!"
They told me "she might like you too, if she got to know you."
Then we went to HersheyPark, and learned that I can talk to a girl!
I had this insane thought that maybe we would be dating afterwards,
That night, I slept with joy,
My mind racing with you in thought!
I remembered you laughing at my jokes in the car.
My heart felt filled with joy and happiness that night.
Not many people like taking chances.
Especially in a friendship...but still you gave me a chance.
Even though I act diffrently than others.
If only I could show my kinder side to you.
I know that my shell looks cold, dark, and evil.
But on the inside its pure, clean, and kind.
IF only I could show you!
The true side of me, the true man behind the cloak.
My dear, I hope you will hear this some time,
its all true...every last bit of it.
I hope that I will find a way to make you happy with me,
and then I can show you the real me.
Until then, you are in my dreams,
and in my mind you race like a cheetah.
I have never felt like this before,
I hope it is true feelings.
Author notes
AGAIN...BE RUTHLESS!!!!
I WANT IT HARD COMMENTS, SERIOUS, AND ABOVE ALL, TRUE AND STERN.
TELL ME ALL THE NEGATIVES AND POSITVES IN THE CHANGES I HAVE MADE!!
A contest entry
- If you have a person so very dear to you, heres your chance to write a poem just for them by Hannie.
450 points, ended October 9, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Missing Me, Missing You by ms-cuddles.
900 points, ended October 21, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Share your poems with me by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 174 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lovvvvve by fake-or-real-smile.
550 points, ended November 3, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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I COULD NOT GIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS A WRITE FROM THE HEART IS A PERSONAL THING NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.IF SOME ONE WROTE THIS FOR ME I WOULD BE KNCKED OFF MY FEET YOU REALLY BARED YOUR SOUL THAT IS THE MARK OF A TRUE POET
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dang, now I feel bad that I didnt comment on your poems...yet...
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This is not a bad write. You tell a story in your words expressing feelings and thoughts. You do a good job. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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Innocent and pure
Dear Friend!
I really like your innocent thoughts and sublime purity for some beautiful girl, which may be your soulmate and life-partner... Your poems contains all the simple, deep and childlike beauties, which a sincere and loyal poet must have at such a young age of you... I also wrote poems like this, when I was in love with my soulmate... May you get this nice girl as your life-partner, I wish from the core of my heart!!!
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This feels like a story you are telling someone rather than an ode to missing someone. It was fun to read though, riminded me of when I was a little girl. Thanks for entering and good luck. Hugs~ Cuddles
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JUST TO LET U KNOW EVERYONE
I intended it to be top heavy, It should be like a point...new style i hope it looks interesting -
very well written i really enjoyed reading it
Good luck and thanks for entering -
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WOW, i respond to everyone lol,
i give myself points...wait how do i do that lol -
You want the truth? It's alright. It tells a story, but it's broken up sentances, not a poem. You could do with some grammatical checking. Read some poetry by Dickinson, Poe, Stafford, Peacock... then come back and revise this. It's alright... just bland, boring, and more like prose than an actual poem.
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thats my flaw TOTAL,
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Sure. I mean, the others seem to disagree with me. But as long as you have an attitude of "I make very few (if any) mistakes," you're not going to improve much.
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...idk does that mean I am self-centered, or you are complimenting me...
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I'm saying that you have to let yourself see the mistakes that you make and work a lot to fix them. I myself know that I don't write as well as I would like. You say "Tell me the truth. All the negatives and positives. Be ruthless," and yet, when I give you feedback, you reply, "but that's the ONLY mistake I made." There's always room for improvement, even with poems that others consider amazing.
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OH OF COURSE!!!!
its just is that the BIG SERIOUS ONE?? -
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I would say that the main problem, yes, is that it's more broken-up-sentances than an actual poem. But there are a bunch of spelling / gramatical errors that take away from the quality of it.
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It's the bit that throws me...
The very last line.
The rest of the poem sounds so definitive...but the last line is like 'I think.,.. I hope... maybe.'
It also doesn't make grammatical sense.
Maybe something more like, 'I hope these feelings are true' or I know I have true feelings' or something.
The rest of the poem rocks.
I want someone to feel like taht about me! -
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heyyy a DEFINITE improvement....I agree...it's a touch top heavy...All the added in description is good, but the lower parts were definitely better...and the reason for this is because they are more focused more on emotion, on your sentiment...
Hmm...advice...I really think that part about about her sister being friends with your sisters, is irrelvant...that she was at the barn with her sister is fine, that is description, but going further takes the focus off of her...and this whole poem should be mostly about the her, you, and the development of how you got to know her and your feelings for her.
I really REALLY enjoyed those last 5 stanzas...they had good imagery, good emotion, and good flow.
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yeah, lets hope the third one is the charm...
I am not yet working on that because there is another project i need to get to...its also on my page lol -
okay, gonna need a THIRD ONE LOL
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MUCH MUCH BETTER!!
This girl will be completely WOWED! Hope that this goes well for you...
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a lot better. this girl is almost wooed! work a little on the continuity of your stanzas the first half has more in it, and it makes the poem a little top heavy.
That night, I slept with joy,
My mind racing with you in thought!
I remembered you laughing at my jokes in the car.
My heart felt filled with joy and happiness that night.
is really really sweet, I think it's my favorite stanza. What do you mean with the last line though? "I hope it's true feelings" -
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top heavy...is that good?
I know the last line is going to need more into it...
again, i am NOT touching this one yet, i have another project to continue on...
its the Saga of the Staff -
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the top part is wordier then the bottom, it throws the poem off balence
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ok, It is very sweet and shows true emotional intent, we have all felt this way, though some of us not in years. Points off for
1)using i in self description instead of I
2)missing commas-to much to a line at times-if you space it out more and insert commas it will flow better.
3) you add an s to words where they really don't belong,doesn't really change the meaning, just looks a little cleaner using true "feeling" and "afterward"
It is a bit maudlin but not bad. -
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soo...its the little stuff...right?
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Read it out loud with the timing dictated by the form and punctuation that you have in place. I agree that it reads as fragmented sentences rather than a poem, this is because of the way it is written. Fragmentation can be used in the writing of a poem...helpful in showing intent. just take a closer look at how it reads, that will make a huge difference.
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