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The Veil of Rain

I heard a screeching like a rusty swing
and went out side to hear it better,
and there beneath the maple trees
the song birds cried in curtains of rain.


So then I spied a small squirrel
looking at me over a pile of fallen leaves,
A smile brewed upon my lips,

these creatures don't like getting wet.

Let me know How this makes you feel, what do you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

  • Eusebius
    October 6, 2008

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    I do so agree with Amera, this is chock full of great images and the reader is certainly drawn into the piece...a work in progress as you say? my only humble suggestion might be to change the final line a bit, so that it has a few less syllables, but that is just an opinion. Three stout clappies, by Jove!!!


  • Amera gold member
    October 4, 2008

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    This is really packed with imagery, imagery of both the scene, the time and the sounds. I say time because birds don't fly in the rain so it must have just started.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • ea silver member
    October 4, 2008

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    This has a child's wonder - it reminds me of my childhood, for sure. Smiling squirrels - I miss the chipmunks over here and was disappointed I didn't see a single one when I was home in September. My dad always called them "mountain lions."


  • Violinstrings silver member
    October 3, 2008
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    very good

    the way you talk about nature is unigue and including animals and nature together is intermingled