Green fields rippling like the sea,
Keeping the sky held up above me.
Clouds have been breaking
I can see them making,
All kinds of shapes to see.
Winding road stretches out like a river,
Yellow-green trees each side make me shiver.
Reminds me of a time
When the spring was my wine,
And life was in gold and silver.
When the sunshine came tumbling down,
I felt like king without a crown.
And I remember wondering when
He would grace us once again,
And I sure hope he comes back around.
Author notes
Option 2
A contest entry
- October New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended November 6, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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this is a very well penned poem, I enjoyed reading it so much, the poem is full of grace and yet sadness.
good luck in the contest.
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~ Brienna
Site Greeter -
Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Thanks man, appreciate it.
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Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Welcome to All Poetry!
I really like your poem. It has some great lines.
It’s just an imaginative, fairly well balanced, GOOD poem.
I hope you will enjoy our site.
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I have been enjoying it quite a bit, thank you!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hello John,
I think you have a very well put together poem. The thoughts are each well thought out and constructed.
I do see however, I think that if you switched or deleted some words that the flow would be much better.
ex:
"They keep the sky help up above me" might sound better, keeping the sky held up above me"
I loved the lines "reminds me of a time, when spring was my wine".
That is a great metephor and allows the reader to visualize a beautiful time in your life.
In the last stanza, I think, "round" would sound better as, "around".
I think that you did a great job with this poem. It really pulls the reader in and makes them want to know more about this place. I could imagine someone reading these words, closing their eyes, breathing in the wilderness....
One more line I really enjoyed was "winding road stretches out like a river".
Bravo poet and good luck in this contest.
Criss -
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I have edited the poem slightly and I hope it reads better.
Thank for your advice!
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Welcome to All Poetry
Nice Job! Oh I so know what you mean! I wish many of those roads would come back around myself. You did a great job on this one!
Best of luck in this contest!
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Cheers!
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Welcom to AllPoetry
Nice write here. A fair amount of images spring from your work here. I wish many would come back arond myself.
"V" -
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Thank you V, don't we all...
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Welcome To All Poetry
This is a very unique write. I do like the images that you have added to this. One minor suggestion though, in some of the stanza's I felt that the rhyming was a little forced (I have done this alot myself) but other then that, Best of luck in the contest.♥
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It's been slightly changed now, I hope the rhyme flows better.
Appreciate the advice.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
I really like this, especially that second stanza. I love the rhyme scheme you used for this. Grammatically you have one misspell (should be rippling in that first line) and in the last stanza should be like A king in the second line.
I'm guessing you chose option 2, but you should put that in your author's notes.
Overall a really good poem.
♥
whisper
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Thank you for that! It's been changed now.
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Welcome to AllPoetry
Welcome to AP, I also liked your rhyme. I wasn't sure what option you chose. You want to add that in the author notes. I agree with Pol, you should hange Windy road to winding. Good luck to you in the contest. -
Welcome to Allpoetry!
I do like the rhythm of your piece! It had a very lyrical, sing-song quality that grabbed my attention from the get-go.
My favourite part was:
"Reminds me of a time
When the spring was my wine,
And life was in gold and silver."
My only suggestion: "Ripling" in the first line should be spelled, "rippling".
Well done, and welcome to AP! All the best in the contest!
Laura, aka Immortal
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It's been fixed!Thank you for pointing it out.
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
I like the rhythm of this piece it really works with the words to create a lovely picture in my mind. While I was reading this to myself I automatically changed 'windy' to 'winding' because it seemed more natural that way - but that is the only suggestion that I would make on this piece good luck in the contest!
Keep writing
Polly
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Cheers, I appreciate hearing what people think of it, helps me better myself!
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
This is good in thought and imagery. Like the rhyme scheme to your piece, it flows with an urgent pace that seems to fit this well.
Welcome to AP and good luck in the contest.
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Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi John Dillinger
I really enjoyed this poem, had some great imagery in there for me. Goodluck in the contest and keep writing
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Thank you for that
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welcome to all poetry
Hi John Dillinger
This is an awesome poem very good it was a treat to read thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
Barbara
site greeter
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Thank you! It's good to get here peoples thoughts on it.
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welcome to allpoetry
Your second stanza is really beautiful. The whole poem is great but those lines were my favorite. Wonderful job. Though it is obvious which option you have used with this you will still need to put that number in your author's comments. If you have any questions just let us know.
Best of luck to you.
Enjoy the site!
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"when the sunshine came tumbling down
I felt like a king without a crown"
Where on earth do you get ideas for your poems? This one blew me away. In the last line, don't forget to capitalize "I" since it stands alone. Otherwise, great job.
ing alone,
Mylee -
This one is option 2 i believe
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Welcome to AllPoetry
Hiya.. nice poem.. but wouldnt u hate to have it DQed?? Sure.. so please add the option u chose to write about in ur authors comment box ASAP!! -
Welcome to AllPoetry
This is written with kind a of elegance... albeit contemporary with a 'Browning' influence.
Great images and good form. I see a rhyme pattern that
keeps it bound well.
*Suggestions*
Please edit to place the required "Option Number* in your "author's notes'.
This could use some tweaking without losing the
author's special 'touch'.
If you are interested in revision suggestion, please contact me.
Thank you for a beautiful piece! -
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First of all thank you, Secondly I have made some "Tweaks" and I hope It works well.
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Adding your comment:
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