Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

but not me








I long to be the curves
of the white owl sweeping
showing off her voice in the dusk of a November moon

or the flowers that softly breathe
letting their delicious secrets out
to every breeze that moves in between a rainbow

shifting toward the blue


I remain silent...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Gorgeous, I always say I love the soft beauty in your writing and it never changes, you do these so perfectly. Best to you in the contest


  • notorious gold member
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the title and the white owl thing analogy--a snowy owl, I take it?

    "white owl sweeping
    showing off her voice in the dusk of a November moon"
    I love this, but you really should [according to me, LoL[ lose the "showing off". I mean, that's 2 gerunds in a row, and it feels unnecessary. 'sweeping' would already imply "great movement" (excuse my lame phrases) and I think it's snappier that way.

    Nice personification of the flowers.
    But...I think it should just be:
    "or the flowers that softly breathe
    their delicious secrets out"
    'letting' is another unnecessary gerund.

    I also think the ellipsis is unneeded since this poem is strong enough on its own.

    Good luck, this rocks!

    Jessica


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I went and looked at the contest.. I think you have captured the feel of that prompt perfectly in your own amazing voice!

    To remain silent and feel repressed when we want to be otherwise is such a sad thing!