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Choke.

I love the smell of a freshly smoked fag on my fingers.
I hate the memory of you, and how it lingers.

I love the heat of tea as it flows down my throat.
I hate these memories of you; they're making me choke.

I love the taste of cereal; morning, noon, or night...
I hate the memory of you, and how everyone else was right.

I love the look of my phone, when I've got a text.
I hate these memories of you; you've made words so wretch'd.

I love the sound of my pen, as it scratches across the page.
I hate the memory of you; yet I'm filled with hurt, not rage.

Just randomly typed it out about half an hour ago. Be honest, what do you think??

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • maktub
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Other than the fact that I like it, and relate to it...so much in fact that it could've been me penning this exact same emotion...

    You wanted contructive criticism...hmm...
    The 2nd line of the first stanza would flow better if you used something like "and the way it lingers".

    Umm the 2nd line of the 4th stanza is just not quite right...I really don't know what to replace that with...perhaps "you've made words a mess" or "you've made words worthless"...I really am unsure, except that it just isn't quite right (as I said before).

    Other than that, great imagery, and emotion...
    I especially liked (understand and relate to, also) the last stanza:
    "I love the sound of my pen, as it scratches across the page.
    I hate the memory of you; yet I'm filled with hurt, not rage. "

    Well done.


    • Academy
      October 2, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I agree that the 2nd line of the 4th stanza is weird.
      I had worthless in there, first, so it's funny that you recommend that.
      The reason why I put "wretch'd" in there is cause it fit
      syllable-wise, and it was another almost kinda not really rhyme,
      just like throat and choke.
      I guess text and mess might work, but it doesn't have any strong sounds in it, and it just didn't seem like a strong enough word anyway.

      More so I was just desperate for a word that kinda means worthless,
      and almost rhymes with text.
      But I kinda failed on that.

      Thank you for the comment, though.
      And perhaps I will change the 2nd line of the 1st stanza
      to "and the way" instead of "and how"... I'll have to think about it.
      I can't decide right now, haha.

      • maktub
        October 2, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        oh yeah just remember that everything I suggest, is exactly that, suggestions...I don't actually expect you to change anything...my suggestions are spur of the moment thoughts...that might just give you some inspiration or idea as to what might be better, or who knows...