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I Was Sleeping

I have been too busy waiting
for someone to love me
to notice that the world died while
I was sleeping

and I
have gone with it

Author notes

the world doesn't stop while you wait

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Qwertys-idiom
    November 13, 2008

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    You have written a pretty poingant piece here. I, along with I'm sure a multitude of other people here, can relate to the anguish of waiting on love. The message here is powerful in that it should be a lesson to all of us to not let the world pass us by while we wait for something that may never come. Thanks and keep writing


  • princessleejwctlvr2
    November 13, 2008

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    wow this is truly very very well written!! You did a lovely job!!! I love how you portrayed this piece!! Your details and descriptions are truly fantastic!! I must say you are a truly brilliant writer!!! This is very very good!!!! I love it!!!! You have a magnificent flow in this piece!!!!!!


  • Akari
    November 13, 2008

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    Wow!

    That's amazing! Keep up the Great Work!

    ScarletFox


  • silverscent gold member
    November 12, 2008

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    This is amazing. I read it yesterday, but for some reason I didn't comment..so I'm back.

    The whole idea of waiting is so powerful, and the fact you've created this power in just five lines is even better.

    Can I just may one teeny suggestion that my second read has brought to my mind?

    Would "and I" work seperated from "I was sleeping," maybe to be placed with "have gone with it"? I say this because due the situation and effect "I was sleeping" has on the reader after reading the prevously lines, I think it dereves a line on it's own. Just for a ponder, until the final line. Only my opinion.

    Thanks for sharing this. Loved it!


  • Sandra R Reynolds gold member
    November 2, 2008

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    Deep thought. I sometimes think the world has stop because I haven't seen anyone that day.(Stayed in without hearing from anyone.)


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    October 28, 2008

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    Yes..I do agree ..you have focused your attention on a truth which we can relate with it as well..quite a touching piece you crafted..well done..


  • Beautiful-N-Broken silver member
    October 24, 2008

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    Your author's notes are true, the world doesn't stop while you wait. This is a very good write, short, simple, to the point! Excellent work.


  • SignifyingNothing
    October 18, 2008

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    I like this. It has a powerful impact to it. The fourth line is the most powerful. I have a suggestion though, its just my two cents- have you thought about cutting the last line? I think the poem would be even more powerful without it.

    Either way, though, this is a great write, really expressive and well written.

  • x26ss
    October 2, 2008
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    very nice job, introspective and abrupt. L like your style

1 - 9 of 9