Hands interlock,
Fingers entwine.
He is still hers,
But I wish he were mine.
He looks at her,
She smiles back.
These are the times
When I feel my heart crack.
That awful ache
Deep in my heart,
That makes me wish
I could pull them apart.
But it was never
One of their faults:
Nothing can ever
Bring love to a halt.
Nothing to do,
Nothing to say.
It would be best
If I just went away.
Author notes
Another poem written this summer...I was very prolific, considering how little free time I had, but most of it was very bad quality.
Comments
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It's a bit overly melodramatic. It speaks plainly, which is good for getting meaning across. Also, the first stanza made me think of Paramore's song "Misery Business," which then got stuck in my head. But as for the poem...
Maybe ditch the rhyme scheme. It makes the poem seem slightly immature, when I am sure this poem is all seriousnes. Without the rhyme, you are freer to say what you want to, to make better, more expressive word choices. -
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Yes...I was feeling extremely melodramatic at the time, and it turned out like something I would have written a few years ago. It's not going to be changed, just left like this to remind me of how I shouldn't let my emotions always dictate the structure of my poetry.
I was a bit stupid at the time I wrote it, actually. Much too focused on how I felt and not enough on everything else.
Thanks for the suggestions, and I'll definitely make use of them next time I'm writing!
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