She cried out to the night
“Save me from the beast that haunts me”
She cried out to the night
“Oh! Don’t let it take me”
The stars that shone
Showed her no mercy
Brightened up the sky
And directed the beast her way
It roared to the night
“Take me to my prey”
It roared to the night
“I want to feel my self deep within her”
It roared to the night
“I want to hear her moan like a whore”
The stars took its side
The world took its side
Killing the purity
That once resided in her.
In a list
A contest entry
- Make My Heart Cry by AbsoluteBrightness.
1400 points, ended November 7, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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So very dark. This was terribly sad and painful. The evil beast should be slain!
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Wow... that was amazing. Such a loss of purity. The beast given such power to find her and take everything from her. Depressing in its truth of lifes cruel acts to us all. Well penned
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i don't know what to say about this one i mean it was honestly something deep and strong, keep it flowing
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anyone that robs a person of their innocence is a beast an animal and your poem descibes it well here it give me chills as if i could see the whole sodded scene brilliant write
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This is a very interesting write. I like the repeat in it. Worked very well here. And the imagery here is also very well done. And the topic is very creative too. Sometimes I too feel like the world is against me. Good job and thanks for entering my contest.
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Such dark imagery you've painted here, quite descriptive and very deep.
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Nice, love your use of words. Using what the beast said as discription. Love it. Well done, thanks for entering.
Dani. -
Dear Ylova!!
The poem not only describes the cruel way under which the pure girl suffers too much under the nasty clutches of the tyrant, but also reveals the command you maintain in describing even an unpleasant incidence... you are really wonderful poetess as well as a refined story-teller!!!
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I have read (and written) many poems about rape but I have never read any like this! The intense roar of the poem rips off the page and into my mind as I can see it all happening ... Amazingly dark!
Best of Luck
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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It is as if the entire world ...
turns its back on beautiful innocence, and the poem becomes universal, from specific to general: an outcry of a collective spirituality, for restore and healing.
Very well done. You write ancient agony with contemporary words.
Love
Myra
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Dark
A dark and haunting write that can contain many sides. As I see it the beast is on the prowl and looking for an advantage. One taken at the cost of a young soul. Write on poet.
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that certain darkness is chilling to the bone...
you've describe it very well... -
I love it - What else can I say? Excellent work!
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I have been listening to that Rammstein video "Du Riechst so Gut" again and this reminds me of it. (a compliment.)
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The second part of this is so strong and dark that it really outweighs the beginning. I like the mood you created and the way you carried the story out. I will read more of your work.
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Wow, this is very powerful! I love the narrative view, it seemed initially like fantasy and then the ending was so heart-wrenching, it gave me chills to have the thought of such abuse illuminated. Filled with much emotion! Love it!
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I love it
There's not much to say except 'Wow!'
Very powerful, it's brilliant
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Good
This is a different type of poem for you, but its worked out nicely
I think the last four lines in particular are very powerful, very powerful
Well done
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I really don't have much to say here. I just like the way you portrayed the whole situation. Pure, dark, and beautiful..
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The stars took its side
The world took its side
Killing the purity
That once resided in her.
wow girlie, this is some powerful writing you have here. I absolutely love it. I am impressed with the starkness of the repetitive verse, and the building emotion in the ensuing aftermath. Very well done honeybunch
I'm lovin it,
jin
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Powerful and Tragic.
I hope you did a fantastic job of seeing this from the perspective of this victim and that this was not an experience you endured. Overall this is a very good poem. I'm not sure if you're telling her emotions then his or if it's all from her. After all she in her terror, is hearing him roar his desires into the night.
Either way it was well executed. There are a few things I would suggest for rhythm and dramatic effect.
I'd split the second line like this:
"Save Me
from the beast which haunts me."
If you have the option of making Save Me in bold type I would do it. If not I might try SAVE ME. She's yelling right? I might even try switching those first four lines around so that her cry comes first followed by She cried out to the night. That way the first thing the reader is hit with is SAVE ME. It sets the tone immeadiatly. Now it's not that I don't like the second half of that first stanza but I have an idea that struck me and I want to offer it. See what you think of adding this to what you have:
The moon that beamed
offered no help
The stars that shone
showed no mercy
All brightened up the sky
directed the beast to her
I think you could drop the {and}, let it be implied. That way you lose a beat and help the rhythm. The way you repeat the line It roared to the night will appeal to some and others will tell you to find another way to say roared, i.e. It snarled then it growled then it roared. It's frenzied desire progresses. I would recommend splitting the longer lines of the second stanza also. It would do the same as splitting the second line in the first stanza. See what you think.
"I want to feel myself
deep within her"
"I want to hear her
moan like a whore"
If you added the moon above you could revise your second stanza as such:
The moon and the stars
did not intervene
The entire world
seemed to take its side
Killing the purity
that once resided in her
I've been told in poetry we lose a lot of punctuation like commas and exclamation points because they
"clutter" the poem and distract the reader. I don't know if the quotation marks would fall in that categorey or not. This is defintely a strong poem. I think if you "tweek" it a little it could be even stronger. Great work.
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Thank you very much Brian for your review. I shall see if I can try and revise this poem a little bit more!
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What a wonderful piece Ylova! It's so dark with vivid imagery! Thank you for sharing this! Brilliantly penned!
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DEEP EMOTION!!!!
I have known a couple of ladies who had been abused and one handled it as well as can be expected and the other was just not the same. I can only imagine how this must feel, I can imagine one would feel alone with the whole world against them. This is written with tender care and very emotional
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I loved it hun
The dark innocence that night was taken away, the purity is well addressed
I really enjoyed reading
Thank you for sharing
Julie
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wow...this is so powerful. but a terrific write, that keeps the reader intrested! lovely job and keep it up
Stephanie ♥
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Very great write, dear! Liked how you talked about her emotions in the first stanza and his emotions in the second stanza. Very beautiful imaginary. glad to see your block has passed.
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woowoowooo this was kinda creepy and a lil disturbing but hey in a good way! wow i think it's really good. *high five!* niiice
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very dark
both sides to the story huter and the hunted taking: what should only be given, ending the virtue within. Haunting is a great term for this very well written work. begging for mercy and none was shone. great job here keep up the good work. All the best to you ,Boog
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I like the contrasting stanzas from very different view points that you have in this poem. It was really haunting, dark and creepy in a way. But very good =]
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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