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Swatting Skeeters

But I felt you!
    you bug,
you and your -<.javelin-beak.>-,

nestled smothering in the crooked
                          embrace of my
              dextrous ring finger.

I swatted you out of the air instead, to
                                        *dazzle*
                                            in *dazed* loops,
                                                ca-ree__ning somewhere towards
the ground.

    (But I -felt- you!)

I {clenched} and {crunched}; I ground my fist; I {crushed} you!
I __dashed_ the ridges of my skin over your filmy flights
and [bro-ke o-pen your blood] and some of mine -
to [smear_blood_and_saliva-venom_lather] across
my palm in -brutish- victory...

...no, I only battered your dented little carapace,
crooked your javelin beak of <-life-> and <-sucking->.

You fluttered

          fe.e..b...ly

out of my cavernous grip,
diving dizzily down.down.down

but then back up;
and you buzzed on back to bite me in the butt.

                    ~~ffhwlihp-sshwlihp; sip~

...kkRraAawR!
you're .s.O..i.T.c.H.y...

x.x

Author notes

superl337sauce
animal cruelty?

my 2nd attempt at dirty pretty
"Darkwell is Dirty Pretty"

A contest entry

limited time offer!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • trekkergirl
    July 14
    Edit | Reply
    okay I admit this... dirty pretty is pretty much beyond me. I think this is a very creative write. Just can't say much else as i really don't understand the format and style very well. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks fo rentering it into my contest.


  • Antebellum
    July 5
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks so much for entering.

    [if you end up in the finals I will comment better]


  • Kathraina silver member
    March 16
    Edit | Reply
    Ugh I hate those little bug-gers!
    *teehee i made a funny*
    Great piece!


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    dont write dirty pretty.

    you dont specialize in it.

    [its an art, you cant just pick it up on wim]


  • Kathraina silver member
    February 1
    Edit | Reply

    Judged-ola!

    ahahahaha!!!!


  • Darkwell
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful new dp elements in this i ♥ the heartbeat lovely
    beautiful rhythm to this piece too. WTG
    Bitter Anguish 9.2

    this is very impressive and such an awesome write about squooshing a mosquito
    ~~ffhwlihp-sshwlihp; sip~
    awesome visual nad sounds in this one with precision dp elements. WTG

  • DoomBubbles
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    oh my god

    THATS FUNNY!
    i laughed

    i think the end truly shows just how horrible the itch is. god itching sucks.

    i am horrible at criticism and comments
    still i love your poem!
    so! know that!

  • lyrebird gold member
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Let me know what you think of my analysis of this poem...

    But I felt you!
    --> The exclamation mark indicates shock, a shout, or crying out, as opposed to a calm tone of voice.

    you +bug+,
    --> The markings around the word "bug" place an emphasis on it, as if the word is being spat out in disgust. I think italics would work better here, but they don't work for free members, do they?

    you and your -<.javelin-beak.>-
    --> the punctuation here illustrates the words, the point of the javelin and/or the beak.

    nestled smothering in the /_crook-ed|
    --> again with the word illustration.

    *dazzle*
    in *dazed* loops,
    --> the word "dazzle" can have multiple meanings. Usually when I think of it, I think of stars and glitter and amazement, which is the reason for the asterisks. They are then repeated in the word "dazed" to emphasize the similarities between the two words.

    (But I -felt- you!)
    --> reinforces the words of the first line, as well as the emotions.

    I {clenched} and {crunched}, ground my fist, {crushed} you!
    --> clenched, crunched, crushed - alliterative words.

    fe.e..b...ly
    --> the increase in the periods between letters indicates a kind of "bleeding out", like the bug is dying.

    out of my [c__a__v__e__r__n__o__u__s grip],
    --> the underscores make the word longer, more imposing.

    This, as well as some of the other words, such as "brutish", portray the character in a negative light. Initially, the bug was the negative portrayal with the "javelin beak" but at the end, it has been reversed and the bug is triumphant.

    I really liked the storyline of this. There were a few places where I didn't understand why you choose to punctuate in that way, but I still liked it.

    ♥ Jojo x sinnocence

    • superl337sauce
      October 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks so much

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

      For the most part, you were completely correct.
      Almost everything was for word illustration or reading effects.

      -<.javelin-beak.>-
      Word illustration, (as you said) mostly
      I only put the period in b/c AP makes it an html tag otherwise
      There's a hyphen in there, so it's "javelin-beak", not "javelin beak", so it would be pronounced JAV-lin-beak instead of JA-ve-lin BEAK. It's different later on, so I wanted them to be read differently.

      ca-ree__ning
      I wanted it to be read ka-reeeeening

      \s/watted
      downwards swatting word illustration

      I __dashed_ the r|i|d|g|e|s of my skin over your ~filmy flights~
      and {br_o-ke} op_en your blood and some of mine -
      word illustration
      the dash at the end for a slight pause in reading

      \diving\ dazedly down.v.down.v.down
      word illustration, v being an arrow pointing downwards
      \\ illustrates the diving motion
      the dots in with the v's make it so it's not
      downvdownvdown, which is hard to read
      and I wanted it to be read a little rushed

      ...no, I only battered your daz-z-zed little carapace,
      perhaps a casual intake of breath at the beginning of the line
      I wanted the reader to pronounced "dazed" as dazzzzzzzzed
      maybe not that many z's, but like dazz'd, w/ a little extra stress on the z's

      maybe I should've just used dazz'd lol

      <-life-> and <-sucking->
      I switched from >- to <- in order to indicate a possible change in attitude. i.e., I was trying to associate the >- javelin-beak with life and sucking.

      Sucking is meant as wordplay
      primarily the immediate sense, as in sucking blood

      and then in the other sense:
      "I'm going to be horrible to you!"
      "You suck! Hard!"
      "Okay, I'm done sucking."
      "Be my friend again."

      dext'rous
      At first I thought dextrous was a misspelling of dexterous, since my built-in Mozilla spellcheck picked it up
      I also thought it was a 3-syllable word (it's actually 2), and didn't like the rhythm of dex-ter-ous, so I used the apostrophe.
      Butttt
      I just looked it up, and dextrous is an acceptable alternate spelling, and it has two syllables x.X

      ~~ffhwlihp-sshwlihp; sip~
      The squiggles are squiggles of happy feasting
      the hyphen for eliminating any pauses between the two words
      the semicolon for creating a reading pause

      sip
      could just be a statement of an action, or it could be the imperative form
      it also makes a nice sound

      ...kkRraAawR!
      you're .s.O..i.T.c.H.y...

      x.x

      the ellipses for a pause...

      You know how rEaDIng STiCkY cApS can make your head spin?
      I was going for that feeling of irascibility.

      the dots in so itchy
      the two words are read kinda blended together, but not hyphen-quick
      they might also call to mind little mosquito bumps, or tiny dotty bugbites, or chicken pox

      x.x
      a non-serious face
      to balance any sense of melancholy

      I {clenched} and {crunched}, ground my fist, {crushed} you!
      add a little vehemence when reading these words
      after all, they do come with that "kuh-" sound.
      I was going for D/K/R/t cacophony

      /_crook-ed|
      Seeing "crooked", you could either pronounce that word with one syllable or two. The first time I used that word, I wanted two syllables, meaning not straight, but bent at angles. The second time I used that word, I wanted one syllable, meaning the verb, to make crook-ed.

      I hope I made sense x.X

      If you said something I didn't just touch on, you were entirely correct about what I was going for

      I feel like some of my punctuation choices aren't eliciting the effects I have in mind. Now that you know my true intents, if you feel that some embellishments don't achieve my purposes, or you can think of a more effective pattern, please don't hesitate to voice yourself~

      • lyrebird gold member
        October 1, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I didn't really understand the "\s/watted", "dext'trous" or the "down.v.down.v.down" parts until you explained them.

        I thought the \/ in "\s/watted" was to place an emphasis on the s, I read it as somewhat hissing. And I didn't think of the v's in "down.v.down.v.down" as pointing downwards, they just seemed a bit like random letters.

        x.x
        I liked that face

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