when we first met, you were at the barn with your sister who is friends with my sisters.
When i saw you, honestly, i thought i was going to faint.
I told myself there is NO way a girl can be so beautiful,
and yet so nice to people.
Sure enough, you are the whole package in one cute girl.
I thought though that wouldn't even happen in my dreams.
No one would like the man behind the laptop.
NO ONE would even care about the man behind the PC.
Then we went to Hershey-Park, and I got to know you.
I had this insane thought that maybe we would be dating afterwards,
but then I realized that I am NO ONES prince charming.
who could love a creature like me...
No one would...but still you gave me a chance,
and if only I could show my kinder side to you.
I know that my shell looks cold, dark, and evil.
But on the inside its pure, clean, and kind.
IF only I could show you!
But I have been hurt before, and i know that it will happen again.
I don't want our friendship to go sour,
I hope it will never end up like all the other ones I had.
My dear, I hope you will hear this some time,
its all true...every last bit of it.
I hope that I will find a way to make you happy with me,
and then I can show you the real me.
Until then, you are in my dreams,
and in my mind you race like a cheetah.
I have never felt like this before,
I hope it is true feelings.
Author notes
to Alyssa in PA. I intend to read this to her on Christmas, and i want some opinion on if it needs changing at all...ALL COMMENTS ARE ACCEPTED, GOOD OR BAD.
how bad is IT DUE TO IT DONT RHYME?
Comments
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okay, first of all, i did not like this. but second of all, if you're planning to read this to her on christmas, make sure you have a plan of.... escape incase she doesnt like it, or else you'll have the most awkward christmas ever. and she will too. i just go out of a relationship where she thought i was too caring and too smothering, which really annoyed me since i wished she cared more, but i guess we were just two different people. so make sure this isnt going to make her run away in fear for her individuality, lack of challenges, 'waitthisiswaytooeasy-ness', or something like that. hope it works, just make sure you're up for it.
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umm...wrong poem...
notice on my page there is another ppoem called beauty and a beast E D I T I E D ! ! ! !
aye...why dont u like it? And not all girls are like that...this girl IS all that mooshy guushy kind of a girl!!!
why dont u like it?
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i donno, i just didnt like it. normally i like when they rhyme, and i like most that dont. but this just bugged me. maybe all the self pity... and stop with the capps and over use of exclamation marks. never attractive. if you can use the right words to convey what capps and extreme punctuation do, then you can put those skills to work in poems like this to lovely girls like alyssa.
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"My dear, I hope you will hear this some time,
its all true...every last bit of it.
I hope that I will find a way to make you happy with me,
and then I can show you the real me." that is my favorite part. sef sacrifice, and willingness to be open with her, to please her. not just hear her words and ignore them. it's an understanding of what's important. i think this is sweet. but agree about the touh ups. <3 -
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The topic is great...but I do think that it does need a touch up here and there.
With this being a lover poem, expressed some feelings with the heart
. How did she make you feel? Did her eyes seem kind and gentle? How did her laugh make you feel? The little things as such are great to but into this writing.
I like free verse, so that doesn't bother me whatsoever. I do hope that everything turns out well for you two!
I am sure that she is going to be compltely surprized!
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Non-rhyming poems aren't bad just because they don't rhyme. Honestly, though, this poem needs a lot of work.
Like Tehuni said, if this is supposed to be a love poem, the pity card totally turned me off (another example: "but then I realized that I am NO ONES prince charming.
who could love a creature like me..."). And then going on about how you wish you could show her your true self- I've seen it before and I've seen it done better. This poem just didn't stand out to me and it wasn't very memorable.
Another thing I disliked was how you were so literal in most of this write. A poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it's not just a story told in broken fragments. Try to make the reader think- that's what makes poems interesting and memorable. Make them think about what you're saying instead of just telling them "She was this and I felt this." Try to embed more poetic devices (again, this really doesn't have to be rhyming- it could be allusion, metaphor, and so on).
Also, do a spell/grammar check. There are somethings (lowercase i's, ones stead of one's) that turned me off.
In any case, it was really sweet of you to write this poem at all, and I'm sure Alyssa will feel really special =) -
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thank u for the comment...
THIS IS ROUGH DRAFT!!!!!
I will write up a better one l8ter lol
...strange...I did do a spell check...stupid computer -smacks laptop- OWWW
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if you want to write in stanzas try having some rhyme or continuity (like always starting/ending with the same word or having each stanza be a distinctly separate moment)
don't play the pity card when trying to woo a girl
(I don't want our friendship to go sour,
I hope it will never end up like all the other ones I had. )
use more romantic words like kind rather then nice, describe all of her assets in detail what about her is so beautiful? what has she done that is kind? what exactly did she do at the barn that caught your eye?
I don't know this girl, but most of the girls I do would die to have someone write them a really beautiful love poem.
read some work by others (like shakespeare) to help you get inspired -
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hmm...it does need some polishing up, the it's got a really sweet idea...
If you like, I can message you...and help out a bit, you know...help you with making it flow more, maybe a bit of rhyme...
You've got my best wishes for you and Alyssa...it's a beautiful thought.
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