The storm has passed
A poem blown by
What words could have been
I know not, I sigh.
City noise gone
Thunder's roar ceased
The nighttime sounds
A chorus of peace
A madhouse of bugs
Keep the tunes coming
A soft as silk breeze
Keeps the trees humming
The still dripping leaves
Keep the rainy beat going
A stream in a ditch
Keeps a light chord flowing
The rare passing car
A loud cymbal's ring
Out of place in this scene
Yet the bugs still sing
The song will go on
Til the next movement shines
The tools stay the same
But the notes change lines.
A contest entry
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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thank you for sharing your rhyming, flowing, thoughtful entry. your words on nature are playful and poetic
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Nice work here and thanks a lot for your entry.
Good luck to you with it and keep it up!
Jeremy0826 -
Nice rhyme and it flows from beginning to end quite nicely. I would suggest some line breaks to strengthen it
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This is truly a beautiful piece! I love how you have nature interwoven with art, and isn't this so true that we are just natures instrument when it comes to capturing these little lovely experiences. A moment passed is a moment not captured on paper and yet there are no ways to truly entrap such entrancing beauty forever. It simply moves as it wishes and washes over us as a passing scent.
Wonderfully captured!
Blue~
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You poem is an orchestra of different emotions and I must emphasize on “sound”!
I love your rhythms and simplicity, however I was very distracted I couldn’t focus on one thought, but you know what? I think its crazy and fun and uniquely your experience. I guess you were in a state of diverse thoughts and that’s how it was reflected in your poem.
Through all the jumping around, rain and “madhouse of bugs”, I must say you ended your poem very well (last line) even though you didn’t go anywhere with it. Which again is alright if this is what you intentionally wanted the reader to perceive…
A hectic, random, spontaneous, emotional experience, that is
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Hehe that's basically the gist of it, just a piece appreciating nature. Just sat down after a storm and wrote down what I heard.
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Nice poem, good simple lines, just one problem. Where are you going with this? I had a hard time trying to figure out what your trying to say. It's either bad composition or just to simple. My thoughts were of a rainy day and what's happening after a rainy day both in one.
My suggestion is that you take the musical instruments that you use metaphorically and find a clearer relation with nature. For example ,"a loud cymbals ring with the bugs that do sing, out of the place in this scene; a rare passing cars ching" or whatever, just made it out of the top of my head.
That way, most* people will know that your comparing it with sounds and objects. Which will give brighter/more understood effect on the poem.
Yeah but that's just my opinion, you might think i'm crazy, but i don't care. Good Job.
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I wrote this immediately after a thunder rainstorm. I tried to write during the storm initially, but a bolt hit not too far from me, made it hard to focus on writing.
As far as what I'm trying to say, there is no real message. Just illustrating my appreciation of nature through a few musical metaphors, describing the random yet beautiful orchestration of the sounds that night.
I'll try to link the sounds to the musical parallels better, but I like the rhythm the way it is and I don't want to compromise it too much, I kind of hoped people could draw the lines themselves. Thanks for your critique though.
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I really liked parts of this poem! It had a strong start and a really nice ending, especially with the line "But the notes change lines". That was great. I didn't understand or really thought that the series of "hummin'", etc, fit into the middle. I thought it was distracting, but it may be my own bias against slang. It just seems to me that you got lost somewhere in the middle of the poem, and it doesn't fit in with the great affection I had for the first stanza and the last bit of the second one. Have you thought about editing this down?
Cheers- good poem, keep writing!
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That was just the mood I was in I guess, laid back, pay no mind to "g"'s. I'll amend it though if it's distracting.
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In line 4, I would advise taking out the word "and". It adds an extra beat to the stanza and I feel like that's too much for the four lines together. otherwise, great job with the rest of the poem, I wouldn't advice that you change a whole lot if/when you revise it. It's quite lovely the way it is.
ing alone,
Mylee
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