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you've never been this sick in your life

 
You're the plastic wrap
around my dead dreams.
 
[I can't breathe]
 
Forgiving the future tense
for not believing in me.
[no, it's not okay]
 
Spelling pictures
words can't see,
 
like the mind has dysentery.
 
And only for you
   I'll pour my heart out.

 

 

Author notes

"bah-humbug"

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 23 of 23
  • Forgotten
    January 12

    Edit | Reply
    Hey. Great write. While short and simple it still gets your point across to the reader... all in all great job! Keep up the good work!......Beck


  • spirit rising
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    your the plastic wrap around my dead dreams..oooh i like that!! the poemis short and very to the point, your usage of words is very strong and paints a great picture, i really like this style of poetry.


  • echo-ink
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Short and sweet.
    Wonderfully written.
    Thank-you for entering.


  • DiscardedHope
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hehe I like it!

    Love the ' you are the plastic wrap, around my dead dreams '
    that sounds so dramatic!
    You have used such great imagery, it's awesome!

    Keep it up!

  • jadeangyal
    December 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your thoughts are swirling and painful. Your first metaphor is clear and driving.
    You're the plastic wrap
    around my dead dreams.
    Such original thoughts that can speak straight to the point are what makes poetry great.


  • Zeprina-Jaz
    December 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, no wonder you won!! I'm awed. It's so full of pain and fear and... just wow...


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Lots to ponder in this write.....I'm glad I had a chance to read it....format is creative...I enjoy a Poet who can use format to build their Poetic Tone....lovely job

     

    God bless you,

     

     

    Bear ~


  • mickey94
    November 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    huh, wow very nice, i like the metaphore


  • Rose Angel gold member
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You catch our attention with your lines as you pen the opening....Your profound blunt words have power, which makes the write quite astounding and very impressive. I think you accomplished what you wanted to say, for sure!


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The opening line catches the reader by the throat and tosses him headlong into a raw and emotional poem. I loved the formatting with the brackets and italics, but I thought the underlining was distracting. The image created is very effective though. Good luck in your contest. Peace, Liz


  • JustFallingApart
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love this poem so much! Abstract is the greatest. I realy enjoyed reading this wonderful write. Short and sweet, just how I like it. You are truely tallented. Keep the pen flowing


  • Commodore Rouge
    October 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Netherspice, that phrase he pointed out is my favorite too! It has such a lovely "ring" to it. Sometimes it seems like people don't put their parenthesis and brackets in what seems like would be the best places, but I can't argue with where you put yours. They give a great effect. Just one thing though, "Your" should be "you're". I thought I'd point that out! Other than that, I really liked reading this poem. Thanks for sharing!


  • Netherspice
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent.

    "Spelling pictures,
    words can't see,"

    God, you're talented. You know that? Absolutely amazing piece of poetry. Thanks for letting me read.


  • Jaffa-
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love how you've used the squared brackets.
    Really great poem with awesome emotional flow. Exactly what i was looking to read. Great work.


  • movedon
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    holy crap
    emotional my dear brother! this is...wow. one of your finest!!!!!

    love
    mylee


  • trekkergirl
    October 1, 2008

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    well I really don't know what to say...I think you need to look at the last line again... "i'll pour my hear out." do you mean heart?


  • fairytalelovestory
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow very cool i really enjoyed this its interesting.


  • Curious LiLi
    September 30, 2008

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    Oh wow!
    I'm surprised by the emotions this brings!!
    I am not wuite sure how to discribe them...

    AMAZING!


  • innocence jaded.xx
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazinggg ! Wow. Me=
    You portray so many emotions in so few lines. It's just mind-blowing & I am just allured by the way you write. Beautiful piece of poetry ♥

1 - 23 of 23