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A light in the dark

I am lost in the dark.
Stumbling around,
Trying to find my way
In the wretched darkness.
Looking pathetic
As I fall to the ground,
Feeling inferior
As people step all over me.
I am a hapless victim
In this cynical charade.
Looking for an exit
But I find none,
And my only hope of getting out
Is to perish.
But I hear a voice
The voice of an angel.
It's you
Calling me,
Saving me,
Pulling me out of the dark
Into a world
Where the dark is no more,
And the only words I hear
Come from you
When you whisper into my ear,
"I love you"

Author notes

ap name-xxmysuicidalromancex

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • etoile
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ps. I like your ap name.
    I'm assuming it's based on MCR.
    (theyre awesome

  • etoile
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    line breaks and punctuation would help the flow of this piece. but I really liked it, the emotions were clearly present and so was the imagery.

    I am a hapless victim
    In this cynical charade
    Looking for an exit
    But I find none
    ---
    And the only words I hear
    Come from you
    When you whisper into my ear
    "I love you"
    ---
    I like those parts.


    thanks for entering and goodluck



    • Le Fille Morte
      October 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Punctuation where? I would totally consider changing it if you think it would sound better

      • etoile
        October 18, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        just add it where you think it's necessary.. i dont wanna rewrite your poem for you. maybe add periods where you feel the idea stops.
        so for example i'd do something like:

        I am lost in the dark,
        Stumbling around
        Trying to find my way
        In the wretched darkness.
        Looking pathetic
        As I fall to the ground.
        Feeling inferior
        As people step all over me.

        ..i guess punctuation isn't really that necessary lots of ppl write w/o it
        but i do think that line breaks would be nice

        sorry if you feel like im changing your write..I'll stop if you want.


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    And the only words I hear
    Come from you
    When you whisper into my ear
    "I love you"

    very cute.
    I think some punctuation might benefit this poem.


  • Vendelay
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Lovely

    I love your variety of words in this one! Great writing!


  • x-Valiant-x
    October 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is really good.

  • PamelaP
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not a poet really, I normally write short stories. I like this but I do prefer poetry that rhymes. Good luck with the contst

1 - 15 of 15