Amongst all that life,
all the success and strife,
where is the place for me?
With buildings so tall,
where they rise the trees fall,
discord I so plainly see.
Lush greens turn to rust,
vibrant eyes turn to dust,
eyes open I toss and I turn.
My dreams ruled by dice,
grandeur thoughts turned to mice,
eyes closed I can see myself burn.
Though my mind soars above
all my hates and my loves
I'm a slave to a mess of emotion.
My mind limits me
to painful stagnancy
staring out at a vast heartless ocean.
Where will I be once these thoughts are gone?
What will I see when my life moves on?
Until I get there I can have no voice.
I must submit to the illusion of choice.
A contest entry
- TRIPLETS ~ painlessly! #133 Allpoetry invited by Lyndon.
3500 points, ended October 31, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Writes ~ A Going Away Contest by SizzyFid.
2200 points, ended August 12, 106 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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From The Critical Reviews (2) Group:
I really liked this poem. The rhyming scheme of it, while divided into stanzas of three, aab aab format, working well with the poem. When read aloud, the flow words well...it's not awkward, nor stressed in anyway.
The quatrain at the end is was the perfect was to end the poem...the metaphor and imagery in here was rich and stuck well to my tongue.
Thank you for sharing.
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Very well written!! Nice flow too. Love the last stanza:
Where will I be once these thoughts are gone?
What will I see when my life moves on?
Until I get there I can have no voice.
I must submit to the illusion of choice.
Simply wonderful. Keep writing ya. Cheers!
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Hi. I’m with Critical Reviewers Two and I am doing a constructive review of your poem.
I read it a couple of times and I am
impressed. I don’t impress easily. There are probably things you could do to change it (like put question marks after the questions) but basically, this is brilliant. Sorry. I’m just not seeing a lot to change.
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A lovely poem nicely worked but not in the form required for this contest. Please keep up the rhyming though, it is always a pleasure to read.
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My apologies, wasn't 100% sure what you wanted. You're description was kind of open-ended, so I chose my poems with 3-line stanzas.
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Outstanding
I love rhyming poetry and this is so fluid you hardly notice it. I thought this was a strong poem and that you expressed your emotions well- reflecting on life and its meaning. It is difficult to suggest revisions as the poem works perfectly as it is. Thank you for posting.
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I think that it could use some puntuation-without it it seems longer. A comma might make it flow better (like line 12 ) Other wise, it is great. Your metaphors are perfect.
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You’ve put me in a trance; your poetry express’s an internal struggle that us mortals, at some point in our lives think of, one way or the other.
I praise you on the creative, vivid wording, good flow in your rhymes and most of all the complex use of metaphors and imagery was successfully incorporated in your write. Beautiful!
Just one thing to point out, throughout your whole poem you used a three line stanza… And ended your poem with a four line stanza. I would recommend you stick to one style of writing as it empowers the structure and as imagery, adds exquisiteness to your write.
However, I personally loved the ending, you summed it up real well… gathering your final thoughts and questions in the final stanza.
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I like to change up the form for the last lines of a poem, usually a summary of the poem or a conclusion. Like the hammerhead on the hammer, the nail on the plank. Sometimes I change the form throughout a poem too, just because I think it makes it more interesting to read.
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"a vast heartless ocean". That certainly expresses the feeling of hopelessness that carries on through the entire piece.
"Painful stagnancy" and "I'm a slave to a mess of emotion." are expressive also. -
Welcome to AllPoetry!
Hi..
One suggestiong I have here is you might have to make use of the 'punctuations'. Not just for the sake of it, but it helps a great deal in poetry, like your poem just went on and on.. and a pause or break might have been more appealing. It makes more sense as well. So, kindly have that in mind.
Apart from that.. the poem is written very well, u have thought out well. Good job!!
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
Hello there.
I found this to have many good possibilities.
Lots of questions and answers.
*Suggestions*
Were this mine, I would use fewer capitals as well as take the triplets and make them into a stanza ... if possible.
Otherwise, this has lots to offer... Thank you for posting.
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I can't beleive I MyleeWinked all but your last poem!
sounds like something that I would do! But, as stated before, metaphors were awesome in this. "i must submit to the illusion of choice" right there, is my favorite line. Awesome work!
ing alone,
Mylee -
Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi Adrialic
This was an excellent read, a lot of metaphor descriptions which was awesome.
The ending was perfect.
Keep writing
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welcome to allpoetry
You have some really good vivid lines written out here. I love the wording you used to describe the feelings.. good metaphors and images etc. Wonderfully put together in other words. Thank you for sharing your words and talent.
Keep writing on.
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